I wrote the other day about how I sometimes use porn (and, incidentally, used commercial sex) not when I’m feeling intense sexual desire, but when I’m deep on the opposite side of the desire spectrum, when I’m feeling pain, numb, or worse, almost dead.
I’ve been thinking more about this, entertaining a counterintuitive – and, for me, unfamiliar, hypothesis.
I’ve always thought myself hypersexual, that my sexual desire was nearly infinite, nearly constant.
But what if this is an inversion of the truth? What if, in fact, my sexual desire isn’t nearly infinite, isn’t nearly constant? What if, instead, what’s nearly infinite, and nearly constant, is my fear of death? What if this fear actually crowds out sexual desire, or is evidenced by an absence of sexual desire? And what if the most tried and true way of making me feel alive, vital, is to stimulate my cock, to get myself hard? Using porn, or Viagra, or commercial sex?
Do you have thoughts on this subject?