At times, my brain overflows with thoughts. My body, with desires.
At other times… not so much.
One way I understand my motivation in life – my chief, primary motivation – is that I desperately want to feel alive. I could wonder (have wondered) for years what it is that causes me to need this so powerfully, why it is that I don’t generate, internally, independently, a sense of vitality. But, for the most part, I don’t.
I’ve had all sorts of strategies to combat this inner deadness over the years. Strategies involving physical sensation (pain and pleasure, mostly, but also vestibular stimulation), emotional sensation (connectedness, mostly, but also shame) and intellectual sensation/stimulation. I know, intuitively, which of these are constructive, which maladaptive, and when which are what (because none is always one thing).
Today… Today I long for connection. Not emotional connection. Sexual connection. I want to feel the electric jolt that flows when I want something from someone and she wants to give it to me. When a woman looks at me and feels a surge of need, a need that only I can fulfill.