A difference between then and now

There are many differences, of course, but here’s one:

I used to see attractive women and be overcome with a combination of regret and resentment: I wanted, but I couldn’t have what I wanted. Not because of prohibition (though there was that), but because, simply stated, I didn’t understand that I was, or could be, desirable. And of course, the nature of that belief – that I was objectively undesirable – was that it was self-fulfilling.

Today, I know a different truth, one that opens up a far more expensive set of possibilities. Sure, there remains a vast number of women to whom I’m not desirable – physically, situationally, otherwise – but I’ve learned that there are other women – beautiful, adventurous, sexual women – who do find me desirable, and better, who desire me. Actively.

When I see an attractive woman today, it is from this vantage point, of confidence, of relative self-assurance, that I respond to her beauty. I can appreciate it, can appreciate her, without experiencing her as a rebuke to my sense of self, but rather, as a reminder of the beauty of the universe.


  1. I was married young and for quite some time, my divorce was final last week. It had been years since I had felt desirable to a man, but I have quickly come to realize that it was him and not me. He may not find me desirable for whatever reason, but there are plenty who do. It has been an eye opener for me as well as healing.

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