I just read, at the suggestion of a friend, All My Friends Are Superheroes, by Andrew Kaufman. It’s a quick, light, fun read, about… well, about the superpowers we all have, but might not be inclined to understand as superpowers.

One of the superheroes in the book is called “Someday,” and her superpower is procrastination. Another is the Perfectionist. A third, the Clock.

It’s gotten me to thinking about my superpowers. Of course, there’s my logorrhea. I could be “Words.” Or my capacity for introspection? “The Navel?” My near-perfect orgasmic control? (Back when I spent vast chunks of time nearly every day in massage parlors, several women called me “The Count” because of my propensity to have them count down, from any number, to 1, and then for me to come on, or shockingly close to, 1.)

Like any addict, I am excellent at fleeing unpleasant affect. “The Numb-er”?

I’m pretty good, I’ve been told, at cunnilingus. “The Tongue”?

People tell me I have an irrepressible smirk. “The Smirk”?

I’m unfailingly polite. “Emily Post”?

I’m excellent – truly excellent – at doing anything other than what, honestly, I probably should be doing. Oh wait – Someday already has that one.

These are some of my superpowers. I’m gonna be on the lookout for more. I’m open, of course, to suggestions.

And what about you? What are your superpowers? Want to form a league of superheroes? I think that sounds fun.


      1. Maybe being nerdy enough to know that this was written adjacent to superhero day…?
        I’d have to think it over and reply when not lying in bed and on my phone, bed isn’t for thinking.

  1. I’m flexible in life (not physically, though I can do a back bend and touch my toes): Semper Gumby (yes, I’m taking a military term as a name).
    I’m impatient and persuasive enough to normally get my way: Instant Gratification.
    Professionally I have many degrees, well respected, and blush easily; outside of work I often come across as a ditz due to being too sheltered in Catholic School and not domestically inclined, and am often thinking about/engaging in/discussing sexual adventures: Duality.

    I’m sure a list in this nature can be continuous with retrospection – that’s the beauty and the bane of this activity. Also, having not read this book (though I have read one you recommended: Mating in Captivity), I am unsure if I am following the true intent of self-identification, though I did complete a question of your prompt. My biggest hesitation with a list like this is coming up with a name for the features – I am not witty and hate shoving descriptions into small boxes of terms.

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