Dom blogs and me

I’m kind of a dominant guy. If you read about my sexual encounters, or about some of the instructions I like to give, you can’t miss it.

But, as I’ve written before, I’m not sure that I’m a “Dom,” whatever that is.

For a while, I had a thing with a distant buddy who was constantly complaining that I wasn’t measuring up to her expectations as a dom (or, as she would have it, a capital-d “Dom”). We had a frustrating back-and-forth on the subject and, ultimately, she went her own way, in seek of someone who could be the Dom she craved.

There are a few blogs by hot dom-ish guys. I’ve read them all, I think. And they all do something that I don’t do on this blog: they market themselves as uncomplicated, 24/7 doms. They portray the compartmentalized dom-ness of them, without reference to, say, their wives or kids, their jobs or moods or even thoughts. Certainly, they don’t write about their doubts or weakness, for to do so would be to undermine their dom-ness.

In this blog, I love to show you that side of me – the part that wants to tell you what to do, how to dress, where to sit, when to come. To take control of your sexuality for some or all of your day. Doing those things gets me hard; writing about them gets me hard.

But I can’t stop writing there. It doesn’t feel honest, complete, for me to tell you those things – the things I want to do to you, with you – without also telling you how I feel about them, how I feel in general.

I can’t sustain a performance for that long. I’m not an actor. So when I write, or when I get involved with a woman, no matter how explicitly (and solely) sexual is our involvement, eventually, I start to creep in. My moods, my doubts, my thoughts. I’m kinda meta – I love to think and write not just about the things that happen in my life, but about what I think about those things. In fact, I’m more interested in the processing, the analyzing, the critiquing, the understanding, than I am in the doing, often.

I know that this isn’t always sexy to all. If you want a “Dom,” to read about a Dom, you want to imagine that he’s strong, in control, powerful. ALL THE TIME.

I’m not.

This sort of front-and-center presentation of weakness and doubt undermines the very dom-ness I crave much of the time.

There are a few of you, my most loyal readers, who tell me you like me, like my blog, most when I’m “most human” (in the words of one reader). And I’m grateful for you, because this is, for better or for worse, who and how I am.

But most of you – I know this from my stats – are much more interested in the purely sexual posts. All of the top ten posts I tracked when I posted my reading guide were sexual posts, and while the current top ten have shifted around somewhat, they’re still all about sex.

This is really by way of observation: I’m not planning to change anything. I’m just noticing it.

(Oh, and for those of you who’ve commented on my recent spate of posts on being down, I can pretty much feel it coming to an end. It ain’t over yet, but I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s not a train.)


  1. Love it when someone is dominant, but not a Dom. It’s so much more real – well, to me anyway.

    Reading the musings of someone who is not afraid of analyzing his fears, his doubts, his dark sides, is always enjoyable. I’m so glad I found your blog. We all have doubts and insecurities, but to analyze and share them is rare.

    …and I particularly enjoy the captions you add to the eye candy on your Tumblr.

  2. Yeah, it’s the problem – sex sells. Sexual posts are usually quite popular. But the problem is when you’re doing this on a blog such as wordpress or blogger, they can close down your blog without giving you any warning. So, it’s always better to register for a self-hosted or self-paid site which I do and many ex-wordpress users are starting to do.

  3. This piece comes at an opportune time for me. Being a single mom I tend to have my sex life super compartmentalized and I’m comfortable like that.
    My worlds mixed this weekend and it was like there was sand in the gears. I don’t know if I’m supposed to keep trying or if it was a message to keep them separate. I’m thinking the key is communication.

    So, even though compartmentalization works for me, I’m one of the one who likes the fallible you. Don’t get me wrong. I’d love the infallible all knowing Dom of my dreams (also known as the knight on the white steed), but I don’t believe he exists so I don’t want someone to pretend because I wont believe it and that engenders a whole other set of problems.

    Besides and apart from all that, I like the way you unpack yourself. I find it deeply satisfying.

    so, uh, what are those other blogs you’re referring to…..?

  4. It’s the more thought provoking posts that brought me to this blog… and I keep reading them, though I enjoy the sex posts tremendously too 😉
    I love a man who is dominant in the bedroom. But I also like to know their real self, it strikes the “helper” side in me, makes me want to do things for them even more!

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