Monogamy. Ish. Orgasm woes

I can only come with a vibrator. What should I do?

I love this question. I have a distant buddy who can only cum by running the bathtub faucet over her pussy. She’s desperate to be able to cum other ways – by hand, when fucking, etc. I’ve tried to persuade her to allow me to own her orgasms for a month. I’m confident that if she would, I could deliver her to her promised land. Her problem seems similar to yours.

I have two basic answers to this question – a generic one, and a kinky one.

The generic one is this: you just need to break your addiction. Plain and simple. STOP masturbating with a vibrator. Sure, you’ll have some period of time when you’re dying to cum, dying to take out your trusty old friend. But you need to use that desperation in service of your elusive manual orgasm. I promise: if you go a month without an orgasm by the vibrator, you’ll be able to have one by hand.

By fucking? That may be harder. Many women never cum from fucking alone, and I’ve known many who thought it was in some way “cheating” to touch themselves while fucking. If this is part of your question, my advice on this part is, get over it. If you need to touch your clit to cum while being fucked, for Christ’s sake, touch your clit. Why else did God give you fingers?

My kinky answer is better, and more fun: submit. Find someone who wants to help you through this by taking responsibility for your orgasms, and submit to her or him. If it were me, here’s what I’d have you do:

Week 1:  Throw your vibrator out. Block out fifteen minutes every morning, and fifteen minutes every evening, for masturbation and correspondence with me. For the first week, though, you’re to do it in your panties, and your fingers are never once to slip inside those panties. For the first ten minutes? Touch yourself – your thighs, your belly, your breasts, your mouth, your panties themselves. Press, pulse, vibrate, pinch, squeeze, slap, touch yourself in all the ways that feel best, but no flesh-on-pussy-or-ass contact. After ten minutes of this, spend five minutes telling me what worked, what didn’t. What felt best, what felt worst. And what images you found most arousing as you did it, whether those are mental images, erotica, or porn. You may do this in writing, or on video, or by recording your voice. Incidentally, if at any time, you find yourself close to cumming? Please don’t.

Week 2: Same as week 1, only with your panties off. Still, don’t touch your pussy itself (or your ass). Not the lips, not the clit. But you can get a lot closer now that your panties are off. Again, if you come close to orgasm? Pull back. Not permitted.

Week 3:  Get busy. Touch your clit, your lips, finger yourself, spank yourself, whatever feels right. Again, spend ten minutes doing this, and then five reporting back. Still – no orgasms permitted.

Week 4:  I defy you not to cum this week.

Liza read my response, and here’s what she had to say:

This whole approach is something that never, ever occurred to me! I definitely like the suggestion for a very hands-on sort of approach, despite the tongue-in-cheek manner with with it was delivered. I might consider loaning D out for similar housecalls. I still think that whichever route our reader takes (yours, mine, another), patience is going to win the day–I would just really, really hope that she doesn’t have to go a month without an orgasm to get there!

Liza had her own great answer, too. Here’s a tease:

First, I’m going to say that I think all orgasms are great, no matter how they are achieved–manually, alone, partnered, in an orgy, with water, by a vibrator, clitorally, vaginally, anally, from nipple stim, whatever. Orgasms. Fucking. Rock. So, before you get too worked up about only being able to come with a vibe (for now), love the orgasms you have.

For God’s sake, go to her blog and read more.


  1. I think your advice is right on…the first thing most women need to do is explore themselves. So many times women just have no idea how they even like to be touched, what turns them on, what really turns them on. They use a vibrator like a jackhammer forgetting that the purpose isn’t just release but pleasure.

    Figuring our what it is that feels good, that stimulates your nervous system and revvs you up is absolutely essential to fulfilling sex all around. You can’t leave it up to someone else, they can guess by your reactions what you like, but they cannot feel what you’re feeling. If you don’t have a clue then you’re basically the blind leading the blind.

    As for your method sir…lol…you do have your moments of true Dom-ness don’t you? 😉

  2. When I’ve had trouble orgasming manually(35+ minutes and nothing) I’ve taken similar steps. I might add that if you have a partner, including them in the experience often helps. Especially if you’re having trouble orgasming during sex. Reason being…nobody knows my body better than my partner.
    And experiment people!! Sure, if I’ve only got less than 5 minutes and I’m trying to squeeze an orgasm out quickly, I might reach for the hitachi. But on a whole, I leave the hitachi in the toy box.

    N’s advice is right on. I might even suggest women who aren’t having trouble, giving his advice a try. Learning how to draw out the orgasm as long as possible can be mind blowing.

  3. I think all the suggestions here and at Liza’s blog are great and totally worth trying – cause really, trying a bunch of stuff is not only a great way to see what you react to but also a lot of fun!

    I personally have had major changes occur in every aspect of my own sexuality – from types of orgasms to increased sensation where there were little or none before (but the list is long) – due to meditation. I know it’s a really really long term and seemingly far off solution (years in some cases) but I am truly amazed at how much my body has changed as a result. I do a chakra meditation that I have done for a long time and there was a point when I actually felt the changes starting to happen (and this was not during masturbation) – I could feel energy moving in places that I had not ever felt previously.

    Anyway – just another suggestion. Not quite as sexy as N’s – but it might help.

    Oh and speaking of sexy – that GIF on your tumbler w/ the chick and the 4 guys is insanely sexy.

  4. I’ll be the voice of dissent amongst your fans and come right to my point.
    Whatever way a person orgasms IS PERFECTLY FINE.
    Second, I’m sorry but a man is not the best person to ask advice on a woman’s orgasm “problems”. But that’s just my opinion.

    Third…..”vibrator addiction”??? Come on. No. I am just like the person asking the question. It is nearly impossible for me to come without a vibrator. According to you, I have an addiction and a problem. According to me, I spent 10 years not having an orgasm until I found vibrators. I was ashamed for awhile. I lied to my sexual partners and claimed that I’d come because I just didn’t feel like trying anymore. And believe you me, we tried. I tried, he tried. I would get reallllly close, but no cigar. To assume that the woman in question simply never bothered to try other methods or explore her own body is a bit presumptuous.

    The clitoris is so much more than what you can see on the surface. For me personally I need a vibrator because I need the internal portion of my clit stimulated to reach orgasm. There is nothing wrong with this. My partners have all been secure, respectful and willing to participate along with my vibrator. If I ever had a potential partner who thought that my vibrator was intimidating, wrong or had no place in a sexual encounter, that partner would be tossed aside in quick order.

    1. I mostly agree with most of what you write, actually.

      In order:

      1) Yes, however a person cums is perfectly fine. EXCEPT when it’s not perfectly fine with them. I agree (and I think I said) that only being able to cum one way qualifies as a high-class problem, given the number of women who simply can’t cum. And what’s more, I think that we all tend to make all sorts of circumstances into problems that aren’t, objectively speaking, problems, and this falls into that category. But here’s the thing: I can push my Buddhist equanimity all day long, suggesting that this question-asker not “problematize” her sole way of producing orgasms, and that may well be good long-term advice. But shit – today, she experiences it as a problem. And that IS a problem. Saying it’s “perfectly fine,” and putting it in all caps, just doesn’t change her reality.

      2) A man isn’t the best person to ask? Should I simply say, “Gosh, I have no idea?” Or should I respond as if I was asked? Because I was. As was Liza, who’s a woman. This person seemed to be interested in what both Liza and I had to say. You may not be interested in my take, but she was. AND/but, I think that the best person to ask for advice is a person who, you imagine, might have useful thoughts. Whoever that is, whatever their chromosomal configuration.

      3) Vibrator addiction? I’m the first person to lament the misuse of the word “addiction,” and you’re right, I misused it. That said: it’s certainly true that people can become habituated to certain paths to orgasm, and can find others inaccessible as a result. Addiction’s the wrong word, but I think you know what I mean.

      4) I guess I (reluctantly) accept your accusation of presumptuousness. But I got a nickel says you’re wrong. Because I don’t imagine that you, after your journey, would have written that question – you certainly wouldn’t have asked a man, and if you had, you would have asked differently. I read (a lot) into her question. But I don’t think/imagine I’m wrong.

      5) I agree on your last paragraph 100%.

      Thanks for engaging!

  5. No female sex organs, no opinion. Your “method” is a figment of your imagination, not testable by you personally or by anybody else of your gender. You cannot with any authority tell women how to orgasm, and how you think your advice is applicable to all women is simply absurd.

    1. Sorry, but this is just a dumb comment.

      I’ve copped to all sorts of mistakes in how I talked about this, but you’re just dead wrong. I’ve learned more from women than from men about how to enjoy my cock. There’s no monopoly on knowledge of sex organs, and there’s lots of wisdom to be had on bodily pleasure from all sorts of people. It happens that some people are better able to attune themselves to their bodies than others; and, that some are better able to TEACH others to be in tune with theirs than others. I just don’t believe for a minute that possession of a clitoris is a prerequesite for the possession of any useful knowledge about how to derive pleasure from a clitoris.

      I believe, genuinely, that intuitive people can help others enjoy their own bodies more. Perhaps you don’t.

      I agree with many commenters here and on other blogs, that there’s nothing wrong with only cumming with toys. But your saying it, my saying it, our agreeing it, doesn’t make it so. And if, in spite of your and my opinion, our questioner still experiences it as a problem, then who are we to tell her she’s wrong.

      We can tell her there’s a path we can see to greater ease that comes not with learning to cum at her own fingers, but with learning to accept her love of her vibrators. But at the end of the day, she’ll be the one who is happy or unhappy, satisfied or unsatisfied.

      And let me just pause here to thank all those women who don’t have male sex organs who’ve taught me to enjoy mine so much more.

  6. Well, I certainly can relate to the person asking the question. I agree with most of the comments, especially N.’s.
    Though it might not be a problem, shouldn’t be considered as one, as long as it feels like one for the women in question, then it is a problem.
    And I should also say, though vibrator “addiction” is far from being my problem, I’m sooo willing to try your method!

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