I want to be likable, desirable, interesting, accomplished, curious, vulnerable, open, scared.
I want to be good.
I want to be harmless. I want to be safe.
I want to be better than others, better than other men.*
I want to be special, different, unique.
I want to be valuable, kind, compassionate, smart.
I want to be attractive.
I want to be acceptable.
I desperately long for all of that.
I am most of these things (the good ones, I hope – the ones without an asterisk). I feel that I am most of these things. I know that I am some of these things. Most of the time.
Sometimes, though, toxic doubt creeps in.