My fitness regime(n)

There are several components of my fitness regime. Or regimen. I’m honestly not sure which is the right(er?) word, and I can’t be bothered to go figure it out. [Let me know if you do; I welcome correction.]


Every morning, typically between 5:30 and 6, I leave my house for the gym, having meditated for 20 minutes and had a cup of coffee. At the moment, as I’ve written, I belong to two chains of gyms – Crunch and Equinox. I signed up for annual plans with each, and I’m squandering not a little money on the two memberships. I regret joining Equinox – even though it’s the one I frequent more frequently. [They call themselves a “luxury fitness club,” and I really would prefer a gym.] Anyway – I typically let the vagaries of my schedule that day, and of the subways, determine which of three gyms I go to (two Crunches and one Equinox). One of the Crunches is really gross. It’s had flying bugs in the shower for over a year. They run out of towels, soap, and plastic bags for wet gym clothes. And, in the winter, the place isn’t well heated. So I only end up there as a last resort – when the trains are all fucked up, it’s the gym closest to my home, so I go there and hope the trains won’t be fucked up any more by the time I leave. More often, though, as I said, I end up at Equinox, just because the ambience is nicer. The lighting. The music. The feel. The crowd? Not so much. It’s kind of an odious, monotonic, homogenous crowd. But it’s a nice space. So there I am at the gym, and, depending on the day, depending on my timing, I’ll spend 20-60 minutes on an elliptical, usually. I might listen to a podcast (the Daily, or the history of English podcast, or the Lawfare podcast, or something else). Or, I might watch something (right now I’m devouring a bunch of British procedurals – “Collateral,” “Criminal,” “Unforgotten“). And then, again, depending on time, I’ll spend 10-15 minutes in either the sauna (Crunch) or steam room (Equinox), meditating. I’ll shower, get dressed, and head to work….


Often, I start my day with Julie (Pilates) or Athena (stretching). Julie is, currently, 6 or so hours ahead of me. Athena is 13 hours ahead of me. Persian Kitty (8 or 9 hours ahead) is another possibility, as are a couple of women I haven’t written so much about (yet?). Then, I do my work day, and typically, one more time, either in the middle of the day or at the end of it, I’ll stretch one more time – typically with a woman in my time zone or 1-3 hours behind it. Like Jude. Or Leyla.

The Pilates routine varies a bit from day to day, but is heavy on core strengthening stuff and flexibility. Lots of downward dogs, planks, and the like. Stretching? It tends to look like this:

1. Facing away from me, stretch arms up, left, right, back.
2. Dive forward, down, to the floor. Grab left ankle. Grab right. Grab both.
3. Come back up to standing. Hands on hips, make big circles with your hips.
4. Hinge forward 90 degrees, flat back.
5. Get on hands/knees. Do child’s pose. Walk hands to left, right, back to center.
6. Come up to hands/knees. Do cat/cow. Then, thread the needle with each arm.
7. Roll onto your side. Do leg lifts and clamshells on each side.
8. On your back. Open your legs in a butterfly.
9. Hug legs in, stretch one out, twist other across, then open to the outside. Then same with other leg.
10. Stretch first one leg, then the other, to the ceiling, out to the side, and across your midline.
11. Do figure 4s with each leg.
12. Sit up. Stretch shoulders/arms/neck/head.

I had a partner (Claire) for a while who joked about putting on a ski mask and allowing me to record her and post the video here. I still hold out hope that someone, some day, will allow me to do that – just so I can share the hotness that is my fitness regime(n).

This isnt my army of companions but it could be

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