I had big plans for Charlotte.
I hadn’t decided which of two parties we were going to go to. And I hadn’t decided which of two restaurants we would eat at. Or, if we would meet early and spend a few hours in a hotel first.
I had asked Charlotte to give me a list of things she might hope for in the evening, had promised her an orgasm for each entry on that list. She had offered up this:
- slight embarrassment
- sitting in your lap
- over the knee
- you telling me what to do every second
- me doing as you ask every second
A pretty spectacular list.
So. 36 orgasms. Surely, a lot. Not 50, but a lot.
In the event, everything went sideways. In an utterly predictable way.
I’ve told Charlotte I prefer that she not have dates the night before she sees me. Her dates tend to go all night. And they tend to put her out of touch with me. Leaving her tired/spent, recently sated, and leaving me feeling disconnected, like any anticipation that may have been ramping up gets dented – at best – and completely extinguished, at worst.
On this particular evening, I colluded with Charlotte. The details don’t matter, but, suffice it to say, the way the night before Charlotte had a date, and the way it – and its aftermath – unfolded, well, it left me feeling unhappy, unsafe, and – most problematic – turned off. So much for the plans…. Many of the items on Charlotte’s list felt out of reach to me. Unappealing. Inappropriate. Never mind the notion of a party: I don’t want to be in a social setting with others with her – or even having a dinner-length conversation with her – when I’m feeling all disequilibrated. So. That’s out.
As has happened a few previous times, I had to call an audible. I had a few hours head start, but still: some of the items on the list – the more intimate, more relational ones – compliments, dinner, elegant, fun, playful, flirty, games, charming, sitting in my lap, hug, connection, and kisses – felt inaccessible. At least in advance. I’m not (writing this a few hours before our date) ruling any of them out, but I am not committed to them, and, more important, I find them kinda hard to imagine, at the moment.
What I find less hard imagining? The more aggressive/angrier/violent items on the list. Slapping. Spanking. Trouble. Fear. Embarrassment. Intense. Etc.
She didn’t include “discomfort” on her list. But it’s going to be there. Some of that discomfort will be social. Some, physical. Some, psychic. I want it all.
There’s a parallel item here: I gave Charlotte a pretty plain BDSM checklist to complete, and she did so for me. With some bratty resistance along the way, but only a little. But, this morning, while she was not making me feel safe after her date, I discovered that she’d shared the work she was doing with me with another guy she’s dating. THAT didn’t feel good. One of the items on that list? Interrogation. Charlotte liked that one a lot, and had never done it.
Well. Tonight, she’s gonna be interrogated. Maybe even tortured. And she’s gonna be in trouble. And she’s gonna be scared.
My challenge in all this? It’s twofold. 1) I don’t want any of this to actually feel like a reward for Charlotte. So she has to lose out on things she wants, also. Some of that, surely, will be orgasms. Other, surely, will be things like “dinner” and “playful.” And 2) Aftercare is important. I know that. I respect that. But at the moment, I feel zero desire to be nice to Charlotte.
Here’s hoping that being cruel to her will unlock some of that impulse.