Clarity

Note to Marina:

I keep forgetting a simple point. You have given me boundaries. I have agreed to live within them. And within them, I may ask for what I want, and you have agreed to give that to me. Or, if you can’t, to communicate that. And, in addition, you’ve agreed, where possible, to under-promise and to over-deliver. The truth is, notwithstanding my infantile protest against your absence, you have upheld your end of the bargain. So I’m grateful for that.

And in spite of that, I just repeatedly make crazy drama. So I’m sorry for that.

I’m trying to establish with clarity just what it is that might protect me from my own mania, my own insanity, in times of separation. At first, I told you, “Just send me two pictures a day – one of your face, one of your surroundings.” This was a terrible idea. It produced photos that made me crazy, that reminded me how little of you I had, how much of you others were getting. I revised my request. Send me audio, I said. Send me pictures that are sexually vulnerable. Don’t send me pictures that aren’t sexually vulnerable, except with audio. So you did that. But that didn’t work for me either. Because there was difficulty with connectivity. Timing was hard. Things got squeezed out of your phone and delivered to me in an order different than the one in which you pressed send. And some things never made it to me. And through it all, I was frustrated, because I was hungry for much more than you were giving – and I was scared to ask for what I wanted, because I didn’t want to be disappointed.

That’s all a trap for me.

I asked you for your boundaries, and you gave them to me. Now, my job is to live within them, to respect them, and to strain against them. NOT, as I so often find myself doing, trying to make what I request of you be easy, or trying to protect myself from potential disappointment. If you need to adjust the boundaries, you will. And you won’t disappoint me. You never do; you rarely have. I have just managed to eke disappointment out of the circumstances I’ve created.

So. Until such time as you tell me your boundaries have changed, or require adjustment….

Here’s what I want:

  1. A daily audio recording of 5-15 minutes, in which you tell me about your current feelings about me, about W. In which you describe your internal state, and your external surroundings and near-term plans. The more the better, on all of this – I would love to have a sense of what your day, actually, is like, for you. I understand you may not be able to transmit this. I understand it may be challenging to keep your phone charged. My strong preference is that you find a way to keep your phone charged so you can do this. If you can’t, for whatever reasons, then please write out what you might say, and, when your phone is charged, record what you wrote. And send me both the recording and a photo of the page on which you wrote out your words.
  2. If you haven’t been connected, if you haven’t heard any requests from me, if nothing is pending/outstanding… I would like you to execute each of the six “trip” requests – in theory, I think it adds up to 3.5 minutes per day. But maybe it rounds up to 5. (So I’m asking for 10-20 minutes of your time per day total, plus whatever other requests I might make – and you might agree to fulfill.) I understand what you send may not reach me immediately. But I would like your assurance that you will execute the tasks daily, and that I will receive them all when you next connect. And a reminder: the daily requests are – two 30-second videos (one in which you tell me you want to suck my cock; one in which you show me your body, in your surroundings); one 30-second audio recording, in which you describe your physical surroundings; “lots of photos” of your pretty face; one photo of your ass; and a minute-long video of you touching your cunt, clothed, for me. Here again, I’m depending on your phone. So I would like you to endeavor to keep your phone charged enough to execute these requests. If you can’t, for whatever reason, then please replace audio with handwriting; and please replace photos and video with an amount at least twice the original amount the following day – in addition to the following day’s rations. And so on, if you’re disconnected/un-charged for more than one day.
  3. If you have been connected, if you have heard requests from me, then all the above, please, plus timely acknowledgement and execution of any such requests. Again – I understand connectivity may be limited. I’m fine with that. Under-promising and over-delivering is fine. But if you need to put something out beyond 24 hours, please offer something small in the way of “progress” along the way. [For example: when I asked you to come, outside, the other day, you said, “I’ll give that to you in the next six days.” And then you gave it to me ten minutes later. That ten minutes sucked for me. For the duration of this trip, I ask that if you need more than 24 hours to accomplish a request, you tell me that. But you don’t under-promise in a window longer than 24 hours. And if you need more than 24 hours, please figure out a way to give me some sort of “progress payment” along the way.]
  4. I want no chit-chat by text. Please don’t say “Hi!” or “Good morning!” or “How’s your day?” That’s a big part of our communication when we’re better connected. For the duration of your journey, permitted questions are: “What can I offer you?” “What can I do for you?” “How can I serve you?” or any other question the gist of which is offering yourself up to me. Permitted statements, for the duration of your trip: status updates on 1, 2, and 3 above, or responses – of the form, “I will execute that task no later than x hours from now,” or delivery of requested content or responses to questions I’ve asked. If you have chit-chat – which, to be clear, I welcome, and enjoy – that belongs in audio for the duration of this trip. The purpose of text – unless I tell you otherwise (which I certainly might) – is to deliver content to me, to offer yourself up to me, and to respond to my asks.

I want to be clear: you are excellent. You have done well. This is to protect us from my malignant, rampant tropism toward delusions of abandonment. For which, yet again, I apologize.

All that said? Please respond to this with a simple photo of your legs apart, as far apart as current circumstances permit. And if such a photo isn’t possible at the moment of your reading this, please simply text me, “Yes, N.” And send that photo as promptly as possible. If you need to clarify, adjust boundaries, or whatever, please then respond with a simple photo of your legs together, and tell me what you need, as soon as possible, in an audio recording or, if it would mean you could get it to me sooner, by e-mail.

With great affection, warmth, and ardor….

N.

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