Bafflement, or, dissociation

She’s very, very sexy. Long, flowing, curly, thick, lustrous black hair. Early on, she told me she was proud of her hair and she has every right to be. It’s very sexy.

She can count the number of partners she’s had on one hand. She was married for a  long time. She’s just now waking up. But slowly. She broke up with a guy the day before she met me because, several dates in, she wasn’t ready to have sex with him.

She knew things would (have to) be different with me, and she told me she was “all in,” that she was ready for me, that she “needed” to give me what I wanted from her. And, for the brief time we met – a long, very sexy, lunch – she did. She gave me all of what I wanted from her, and promised so much more.

But after we parted, she faded away quickly. She didn’t give me what she promised me that night. The next day, when I asked, she offered a lame excuse, neither apologetic nor convincing. And from there, it was downhill quickly. There was, I believe, one more e-mail, and she was gone.

Did she not like what she found when we met? Did I extinguish enough of her sense of “needing”? Or did she, like Icarus, fly too close to the sun? (The sun, I should be clear, isn’t me – it’s her sexual desire.)

In any event, I haz a sad.

(And add this to the list of rejections I’ve courted. One day, I’ll do a little tally of rejection….)


  1. I am really interested in these kinds of scenarios from you, perhaps because you don’t talk about them as much, and they are such a big part of most people’s interactions.

    And I don’t mean ‘you being rejected’ specifically, I mean ‘the complexity of human connection’ beyond the linear path of ‘sexy flirtation -> sexy meeting -> sexy sexing’.

    Thank you for sharing it.


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