What does being “dominant” mean to you?

I’m asked variations on this question often, and I find them all equally baffling. I mean, I suppose I court it, to some extent, by describing myself as “dominant,” so on one level, it seems fair game to ask what, exactly, I mean. Except that what I mean isn’t, honestly, that much. And it’s not, as many people seem to imagine, or to hope, a statement of affinity to some or other exogenously given notion of dominance, of what it is to be a “dom.” Or a “Dom.”

Close readers of this blog will have a fairly good sense of what I mean when I describe myself as “dominant.” I enjoy having and exercising control over all aspects of an encounter, or a relationship. I like to be given responsibility for everything from the clothes a woman wears to the position in which she sucks my cock to the sequence of sexual activities in which we engage. If we’re not together, I enjoy (almost as much) being given responsibility for various aspects of a woman’s sexual existence. The act of submission by a woman, of granting me that trust, that permission, is itself as hot as – maybe even hotter than – the physical and emotional sensations associated with her expertly sucking my cock, or my fucking her, or licking her pussy.

The dictionary (or rather, Google) defines dominant as “most important, powerful, or influential.” This isn’t, at all, what I mean. In my experience, in my domination, my submissive partner is, in truth, far more important and powerful than am I. She is at the center of everything. And while I may well influence her, it is she who holds the power. I may well say, “Please don’t come,” but she has to decide whether to obey my request or not. And even if she’s a bratty sub, challenging my authority, resisting my requests, and I’m literally beating her into submission (not my preferred configuration of things), she can bring the whole thing to an instant stop simply by saying “red” (or “duck,” or “Steelers,” or whatever).

So I suppose what I mean when I say “I’m dominant” is, really, two things:

1) I enjoy being given responsibility for, being entrusted with, a woman’s sexual existence and pleasure, being given the ability to use her for my own sexual pleasure, being trusted to ensure both her safety and her pleasure; and

2) I am damned good at keeping you wet, getting you off, if giving up control in those ways is something you enjoy.

Next question?


  1. What I find fascinating in reading your relationships is that their submission to you is given rather quickly; that it doesn’t evolve from the comfort in knowing and trusting another over time.

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