Rough sex, cognitive dissonance, and acting

If I’m honest, “rough sex” confuses me.

I’m capable of rough-ish sex. I can spank, slap, throw around, etc. But truth is, it goes against everything in my soul to do so, and I’m slightly baffled by the whole thing. When I put Rose to use, I know that she has a hankering for a little more roughness than I generally can muster. The same was true with V, and with L. It’s a sort of a chronic irony: while I’m exquisitely dominant, asserting control and demanding compliance at every step of the way, and while I deliver on the promise of dominance in spades, I don’t always deliver on the promise of roughness.

A couple of times, I’ve had sex that was accompanied by some significant anger. There was the time I was frustrated with limitations that had been placed on my use of V. There was another time or two, here or there, with someone or other. But the truth is, for reasons that are obscure to me, I go to pretty great lengths to protect the women I have sex with from my anger, my rage, my violence.

When I’m having sex with a woman, I’m almost always feeling tender toward her, wanting her pleasure, her delight. Yes, the way I often manage this is through her submission, by using her to deliver pleasure to me. But over the years, as I’ve learned to spank, hit, toss, push, bruise, mark, whip, and flog, it’s always been from what is, ultimately, a position of sensuality. Almost never from one of anger, aggression, rage.

It’s a little early for New Year’s resolutions, but here’s a goal for the near term: I want to understand why I’m so scared of my anger, so invested in protecting women from it. And, I want to loosen my relationship to it a bit, so that you and I both can enjoy some hard, violent, rough sex.


  1. I’m not entirely sure a woman who wants rough sex wants angry rough sex. You being angry isn’t the means to the goal. I think it’s lust. I want the spanking, the slapping around, the gagging, the hair pulling, the throat grasping… but I don’t want it in anger, I want it in lust. You should be so hard for me you push and pull me into positions without my permission, you take me and fuck me however you want. I want to be wanted so bad I’m used almost thoughtlessly, but after I should not be discarded, that would hurt more than the bruises and the red marks on my skin.

  2. cande beat me to the punch, re: angry sex versus rough sex.

    Clearly you’re not a sadist, but perhaps there are other ways of getting to “rough”. Primal play, for instance, can be raw, animalistic, even predatory, but is still driven by desire and passion, rather than anger.

    During really rough sex, I like to scratch and bite. Hard. Not to *hurt* my partner (although it can be a side effect), but because caressing or kissing isn’t intense enough to express what I’m feeling.

  3. Agree with the other commenters.

    “Hard, violent, rough sex” is not about ‘anger, aggression or rage’ and if you equate rough sex with those feelings (or need to be angry to have it), then I don’t think you should go there until you resolve that.

    For me, rough sex is about almost inexpressible lust and passion, not anger. I can’t get enough of him and I want to tear him to pieces and devour every morsel, and THAT translates to a desire to rip him apart, get inside him, strip him of his skin, hold his insides in my hands, to have him fall to pieces in front of me so I can touch all of him… that. There is no anger in it.


  4. Wow. Love hearing other’s descriptions of primal lust (feeling envious, actually!). And I agree with the comments above – the appeal in being treated roughly is partly about loss of control, and more about feeling crazily desired. And having the ‘permission’ to lose self control in a sort of reciprocal abandon.

    And thank you N for all your posts. Have recently stumbled on this blog and enjoying very much both your writings of arousal, and musings on what makes us tick.

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