Real Life

People don’t, generally, go to sex blogs (and yes, I think that for the most part, this is a sex blog) to read the mundane details of their authors’ lives. Because the truth is, the mundane details of authors’ lives rarely are interesting, unless the author is an extraordinary writer. And I’m not. I’m a workmanlike writer who aspires to doing a good, thorough, clear job of communicating. I don’t generally expect my words themselves to be a source of pleasure or interest; rather, my presumption is that my past and my present and, more than that, my thinking about those two things – at least/especially as relates to sex, sexuality, and certain related topics – are of interest.

Lately, events have conspired to leave me with less time, and less energy, to write here. What’s interesting to note is that, coincident with that decline in writing here, there has been a decided and clear decline in my mental health. I’ve been not just tired, but irritable. There are a number of variables contributing to this, and I could speculate as to which carries what weight, but the bottom line is that my life today looks very different from my life, say, six months ago. And whether it’s causal, symptomatic, or a little of each, I’ve been writing considerably less.

Today, I have 9-5 obligations five days a week that are in many ways less interesting, and less forgiving, than any such obligations I’ve ever had. Without going into details, this is a relatively short-term phenomenon, one for which I signed up willingly, and fully cognizant of just what it was I was signing up for when I did it. But be that as it may, I’m currently spending most of my days biding my time, suffering through various insults to my (relatively strong) ego and my (relatively invulnerable, at least professionally) sense of self. Once again, this was voluntary, not unanticipated, and in service of a longer-term goal. And I have no regrets. But my days suck, and they will do for the better part of the next 18 months or so.

And my mental health? I alluded to its downturn.

Well, I’m tired. I’m disthymic. I’m irritable. And worst of all, my sex drive is close to non-existent. In the last couple of years, sex and family have clearly been my two top priorities. In recent weeks, sex has all but receded. It’s (honestly) all I can do, for the most part, to stay present for my family. Trying to layer on an adventurous and playful sex life on top of that has proven really hard.

Or maybe “hard” isn’t the right word. For multiple reasons. 😉                       (<—- My first ever emoticon on this blog, I believe.)

Maybe the right way to think of it is this: adventurous and playful sex just hasn’t been a priority for me lately. So it’s not so much that I’ve been trying and failing, as that I haven’t been trying.

And maybe this isn’t such a bad thing, actually. Not disavowing my sexual adventures; just saying, in times of stress, it’s probably appropriate that I focus my attention on my family.

Anyway, I don’t expect readers to be all that interested in the non-sexy mundane details of my life, but I do think there’s a kernel of an interesting observation here: in previous times, this (a time of dysthymia, or low-grade depression) might lead me to a frenzy of acting out sexually and sexual obsession. Although the simplicity and ease of acting out does have a certain appeal right around now (make a phone call, set aside an hour, have an orgasm), the truth is, it’s just not where my mind is, for the most part – either on acting out sexually or on planning an adventure.

That said? I hope to plan another one soon….

I’ll keep on posting, though perhaps slightly less frequently in the interim, and, as usual, I always welcome writing suggestions.


  1. I think that you underestimate your readers. I like a balanced mix of life and sex. I think it would get boring to hear just about sex without understanding the human behind it. But that’s just me, and I’m a sentimental, romantic woman deep down… which probably explains my tastes.

    1. Thanks – I don’t know that “underestimate” is the word. I think, maybe, what I mean is that I’m more confident of my ability to write compellingly about stuff that relates to sex and sexuality than I do of my ability to do so about the mundane aspects of daily existence.

      And, of course, it’s easier to maintain anonymity when writing about sex than when writing about the areas of my life that are conducted more publicly, and connected more publicly to my (non-N) name.

      But thank you.

  2. I also don’t mind when writers write about other aspects of their lives; most blogs tend to be topical, but people are complex way beyond that–and the whole person is what gives his/her unique perspective on the chosen subject.

    Please take care of yourself. Though I’m a recent commenter, what you write sounds like you are at risk for burnout or being very overworked. If working long hours is a necessity, do whatever you can to find moments of joy each day, even during the workday–a small treat or magazine article from a favorite magazine–and even more than that on the weekends. Replenishing is important fuel.

    1. Thanks for your concern. I’m not sure burnout is actually a risk – I’ve been pretty vague about the specifics of what’s getting me down, but one of them, the one that is the most of a drag in terms of time/energy, is definitively short-term (well, not SHORT, but not LONG – 1 1/2 more years…).

      The other things are more like aspects of life, things that happen – loved ones suffering, changes in routine. They’re the sort of thing that are inevitable in life, and that result in pain, but necessarily so, in a way that’s part of the texture of life, and that I don’t particularly crave release from.

      Make sense?

      But yes – you’re right. Replenishing is good, and it’s not necessarily something at which I’m great. This blog is one of my biggest such “treats.”

      So thanks for that!

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