Sex on a boat – the prelude

T and I were debriefing about last night. We had a debauched time on a boat in New York harbor, and I wrote up a brief post describing our time.  You’ll read a version of that post shortly, but not quite yet.

T’s immediate response to my first draft was, “I don’t want our son to have to read (when he’s 30) about his mom’s having done those things.” Of course, the poor kid is going to have to read about a shit-ton of stuff his Dad did when he’s 30, if he chooses to. But that’s another story…. T’s point was that it’s different for a boy to read about his mom’s being a slut than it is for him to read about his dad’s being a slut.  My mom died when I was an adolescent, and her sexuality and mine are entwined, entangled, in all sorts of complex and problematic ways. But I don’t have any fantasy that my mom was either a virgin or a whore: I imagine her as a sexually complex woman who was, for the most part, fairly self-actualized, though with a complicated interaction between her sexual desire and her politics.  I don’t imagine that it would be particularly hard for me to learn that she was, say, into being gangbanged, or whatever – if anything, the opposite.  I think I’d welcome a contemporaneous account of my mom’s sexuality as being instructive, informative, enlightening. But perhaps this differentiates me from 99% of my male peers.

This conversation followed quickly on the heels of a discussion about the use of the word “Daddy” in sexualized contexts (including by lesbians), which – I confess – baffles me. Though it’s not something she craves (today), it is, T says, something she totally understands – as a sort of conjuring of an omnipotent, benevolent protector.

As a man who has spent a lifetime chasing women who remind him of his mother, as a guy with a richly developed Oedipus complex (and an appreciation of its power), I simply can’t imagine calling, wanting to call, a woman I fuck “Mommy.” And, a legacy of my upbringing, I don’t see a fundamental difference in the male vs. the female experience, and so can’t imagine, can’t fathom, a woman’s wishing to call a man whose cock she’s sucking “Daddy.” And neither can I imagine, as a guy, reacting with anything other than revulsion when called “Daddy” by a woman with my cock in or near any part of her body.

So guys, how alone am I? How do you think about these two questions – your mom as slut/whore/virgin, and the use of the term “Daddy.”  Do you think as I do?  Differently?  How?  Why?

And women, what are your thoughts?  How does all this work for you?  How do you relate to imagining your dads as sexual creatures? And how do you think about the term “Daddy”?


  1. I’d like to think I don’t have any “daddy issues”, but maybe I do. I was raised by my step dad ever since I was able to speak in full sentences. I called him dad but never “daddy”.

    I was never into calling people “daddy” until recently, but I think that’s because I don’t associate the word with my dad. In fact, if I ever called HIM that he would look at me like I was on crack.

    I don’t care about my parent’s sexual past. When I find out bits about their sexual history I think it’s awesome. I’m almost 90% sure they still fuck on a regular basis. And it makes me happy for them.

    1. Agreed on all fronts. I never called my dad “daddy” and never would. He, too, would look at me like I was on drugs. 🙂 I’ve recently been having “daddy” fantasies but they’re not about him. It’s more about the role of him? I like that it’s forbidden. Taboo. Meh. It’s hard to explain. Most of my fantasies have some sort of the forbidden whether it’s the place (semi-public) or person (boss, teacher, etc). I’ve never been requested to call someone “daddy” or had the opportunity to play out the fantasy.

  2. ah yes, i’ve been coming up against some of this stuff myself recently.

    i’m divorced and my son is constantly trying to marry me off so he can get a little brother, its all fun and games until its not anymore. i wonder what will happen when my son realizes i have a sex life. i have imagined he’ll call me a whore in anger when he’s a teen-ager but i realize thats mostly projection on my part.

    i have daddy issues up the wazoo *and* totally get calling someone daddy during sex, but whenever i have i’m certainly not (consciously) thinking of my own father, i feel more like i’m tapping into some kind of lolita fantasy. i’m young, being taken advantage of, not responsible. come to think of it, the ex may be the only person i’ve ever called daddy, the impulse hasn’t come to me in my recent escapades. I also think of ‘daddy’ as part of a formal sub/dom relationship, as an alternative to Sir

    My father clearly has had a sex life, he has something like 9 different kids with 3 or 4 women and i know what i’m attracted to has been influenced in part by that. I tend to like guys who need a lot of attention from women (however thats expressed) and they are often (but not always) ‘smooth’, ‘ladies men’ types. My own dad is not that type at all, not a flirt, and thinking of him as a sexual creature kinda creeps me out, but i dont begrudge him a sex life.

    my mother, a woman with her own personal madonna/whore complex, is a story for another day.

      1. oh, alright then,

        my mother – as i’ve said – a woman with her won personal madonna/whore complex. i say that because i have, more than once, heard her contemplate both the nunnery and sex work.

        its hard to say how her sexuality has impacted mine, though i know it has. some key moments.and i should mention she’s pretty boundry-less (apple doesnt fall too far from the tree)

        for as long as i can remember i’ve known that her first love was joanne from high school – catholic high school. i also knew it was a sexual relationship and that that was pretty radical. i think my mother has always felt like she abandoned her values at some level when she left joanne for a man – ‘cause it was easier’.

        i used to read her journal as a young adolescent (a terrible idea). one summer, i was about 12 or 13, i read a very explicit account of her affair with the gardener. i remember she used the word ‘cunt’ and i remember they fucked doggy style, i dont remember much else but i was shocked, traumatized maybe even. for awhile i had myself convinced that it was a fantasy. now, i dont know anymore

        starting when i was about 13, she no longer let me hold her hand walking down the street, maybe 13 is old, i dunno, i’m affectionate like that. she said she was afraid people would think we were lovers. she would not be argued out of it. its an argument we still have

        we were in a bar together, i was 18 or 19. some guy was trying to chat us up. he asked how long we’d known each other
        “19 years” my mom says
        “oh, you go back a long way” he says
        “yeah, i had her so she’d grow up and be friends with me”
        he totally didnt get it

        i’m in a car in paris with my mom and 4 guys she’s picked up. i dont know where this evening is going. i’m not sure if she’ll leave me to go off with someone, not sure if she’s aware that, at 15 i’m considered fair game here too, if thats part of her equation or if she cares

        after her 3rd divorce, she’s pursued a number of men (none of which i really wanted to hear about) while at the same time professing her lesbianism and occasionally her desire to be a nun.

        i guess being her daughter has left me thinking that sexuality is unpredictable, can be reckless and leaves me unprotected.

        i suspect she has a healthy sexual appetite and is a little kinky, which doesnt bother me, but i dont necessarily want to hear about it. and i have a feeling i take after her a bit, but i have a sister who is straight as an arrow, a little uptight even and really doesnt ever wanna talk to me about my sex life or hers and i dont know if she’s that way because i am a maternal figure for her or if she’s like that with everyone

        geez, i do go on and on….

        1. I missed this somehow. But it’s fascinating. More than anything, because of the seeming absence of men from the story (other than as sexual partners). But it sounds as if your mom really didn’t respect your teenager’s right not to fucking know the details of her sex life. This fits in to all this, somehow….

  3. I understand the Daddy thing in principle, but it does not work for me. At all. In my case, though, I suspect it’s more about my dominant tendencies in the bedroom and less about any age play or faux-incest squickiness. And this just made me thing of a very good topic for a post.

  4. Ironically I call Master Daddy more often than Master for a number of reasons…one of which is, when you’re in a store with kids and you have a question to ask, but there’s protocol to follow, Daddy works much better than Master for keeping the status quo and not having CPS called on you by uber nosey, anal retentive, closed minded…..moving on…but the same goes in other vanilla settings as well, whether with trusted friends or not so trusted acquaintances.

    From his perspective, when we first began using this “title” about 5 years ago it was out of a curiousity of his. He found he liked it very much. Not the daddy/ little girl thing, but the “Protector/hero” thing. He said it was a distinction that made him feel less obliged to be an ass, basically, when it came to the M/s dynamic. And it better describes his very protective attitude over me.

    For me, I have one of those absentee dads biologically, but I have had (and still have) a few wonderful and generous men in my life, Uncles and adopted ” Dads” that left me with little need for a replacement father figure. I however love the illusion of absolute authority that goes along with the title Daddy. It gives me the feeling of being safe, handled, guided….rather than simply used (which has it’s place…but at those times it’s just plain dirty to say “Oh Daddy, Yes!” and that doesn’t bother me one bit 😉

    This all made me think of the old George Michael song “Father Figure” which still makes me swoon to this day…lol

  5. I have never enjoyed seeing or hearing Daddy in porn and can’t imagine saying it to a man. It feels creepy to me. And I am on the submissive side and with an absentee father throughout my childhood. My grandfather is really the man I would consider my father figure, but he wasn’t very involved in my childhood either – and I’m not really attracted to older men (by older I mean 50+).

    I don’t have a problem with the thought of my dad as sexual. It’s not something I really want to think about though. When I was a teenager I was visiting him and wound up snooping around in his bedroom while he was at work and found a polaroid of him holding his hard dick. Kinda cured my of my snooping habit a bit.

    1. Yeah, I can see that. As a parent, I feel a bit of an obligation to hide, but not so deep that anything is un-find-able. I think the experience of snooping, and learning more than you bargained for, is a pretty rich one.

  6. I’d also like to add that, and this is not a judgement on your wife’s feelings – in fact I have no idea what it’s like to have kids of be concerned about what they might find out feel about me – but it does make me sad when people feel the need to hide parts of their sexuality – their joyful expressions of sexuality that is – from anyone. And maybe this short comment isn’t going to convey what it is I’m trying to say very well – but I’ve seen it many times, and for many reasons, and it always makes me a little sad.

    1. I think there’s a real balancing act to be done with kids, and I don’t feel any great confidence I know what I’m doing. I’m feeling my way in the dark.

  7. Gonna have to write a post about it as my answer could go on for ages. Being adopted at 6, and having no biological father to speak of…I became a “daddy’s girl” with my adopted father fairly quickly. We had an incredibly close relationship however he died shortly after turning 51. That’s the short summary of my daddy issues…more to come.

  8. I had an online friend, who is of the submissive type, ask me if she could call me Daddy. Yeah, that totally doesn’t do it for me in the least, I told her no. If a woman really wants to use a term to denote some authority, Master or Sir would do just fine!

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