Single guys and sex parties

A couple of men have asked me how they can join in the fun of swinging and sex parties and the like.

I’m sympathetic to their desire. I’ve had it at times.

At times, as a straight man, it can feel seriously unfair that a woman can, if she chooses, head out to a swing club and not only be admitted, but be admitted free. Whereas the only clubs that’ll let single men in are clubs that, to be honest, I wouldn’t particularly want to go to. (I’ve been to my share of clubs and parties, and all the ones that were any fun were pretty clear that, with the possible exception of a man or two well known to the party/club organizers, single men are decidedly unwelcome. I went, twice, to sex parties on my own. Neither was a great experience. In the first case, I went to a club that admitted single men in London. In the second, I went to a party at which I was well enough known to be admissible – one of two single men admitted on that particular evening.)

A man recently asked my advice on this subject. This is an easy question to answer: if you’re a man who wants to go to a swing club or sex party and you don’t have a willing partner, you need to get a willing partner. There are lots of ways to do this, and if none of those work, you can pay someone. (On Fridays and Saturdays, Craigslist is filled with ads from men seeking women to accompany them to Le Trapeze.)

(There are other paths – there’s FetLife, and SLS, and AFF. None of those has ever been anything other than an amusing distraction for me. The number of single men on each site make it really hard to imagine ever being successful. But every once in a while, I hear a tale of success.)

I’m struck by how stuck in their heads many men are on this question. Or maybe not so much “stuck in their heads” as “wedded to a fantasy.” Or deterred by some sort of stigmatizing thoughts, whether about sex work, or johns, or whatever. But if you want to go to a party/club, and you need a date, and you can’t get one, pay for one. (And if you don’t want to pay for sex, don’t fuck the woman you pay. End of story.)

At Le Trapeze on any given evening, there are a number of paid companions. Some of those companions are unmissable, women whose demographic characteristics and ways of behaving relative to their dates mark them as “pros.” But some, surely, aren’t so obvious. They’re “sugar babies,” or “paid companions” or whatever.

The world is big. You can find what you’re looking for. If you’re willing to pay.


  1. I have compassion for single men in the scene. I know that feeling of having your nose pressed right up to the candy store window. But I’d avoid the “paid companion” route at all cost. Other couples can spot a pro a mile away and will probably avoid you like the plague.

    1. I think that what you mean is obscured by what you write.

      It is certainly true that paid companions often are easily identifiable. I mentioned this in my post, saying that a demographic mismatch often is a tell.

      But I think you’re wrong on at least two fronts. First, not all paid companions are so easily detectable. I happen to know at least a few women who have gone in both capacities. And I’m not sure I would have been able to detect if they were there in a professional capacity or otherwise. Nor would I have taken them for “pros.”

      And second, while it may well be true that some couples would avoid a couple one of whom they imagined was being paid “like the plague,” it’s certainly true that others wouldn’t.

      Finally, a thought on terminology: I’m sorry I wrote “pros.” What I meant was that some women are more easily discernible to be engaged in sex work.

      I’m sorry for reducing women to their profession or their momentary line of work. There’s nothing essential about sex work – a woman who does it isn’t a “pro” – she’s a woman doing it.

  2. I think it’s a bloody brilliant idea! If you can’t have some kind of control over who you pay and how your paid date looks, what hope do you ever have of getting laid???

  3. I think the best way would be to find another single man who wants to attend and go together as “partners”

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