“You’re so quiet these days”

V observed I haven’t written much lately.

Partly, that’s circumstantial. The summer (and it’s summer here in the northern hemisphere) presents scheduling challenges that are different than those presented by the rest of the year, and I’m less adept at managing them.

Partly, though, it’s temperamental. I’ve been noticing that I’m a bit… down.

Well, that’s not quite right.

My days and nights are filled with joy, of the richest, deepest sort.

And yet….

Some barometers indicate that all’s not well in N-land. First and foremost, I’m not writing. I can tell all sorts of stories about why this is so, how this must be so. But the fact is, when I’m not writing so much, it’s almost always a sign that, well, that something’s up.

I haven’t been working out. My diet has deteriorated. I’ve put on some pounds.

There’s more, though. I’ve been surfing for more porn lately, both on paid and un-paid sites.

My meditation practice is a bit wonky. When things are at their best, I meditate twenty minutes a day no matter what, and longer, one or two or three days a week. Often, this is in a sitting position in my little “meditation spot” where we live; often, it’s not. In any event, lately, it’s been very much catch as catch can. (Notably, I’m writing this after sitting cross-legged for forty-five minutes.)

Most scarily, I’ve smoked a few cigarettes over the course of the last few weeks. It began with a friend who’s a smoker, from whom I bummed a few cigarettes. And then, more recently, from T, who is the kind of smoker I long to be – an occasional, less-than-one-a-day-on-average kind of smoker. Today, for the first time, I took a cigarette from T’s pack when she wasn’t here. (Heretofore, I had made myself captive to her capriciousness: if she was smoking, I would go ahead; otherwise, not.) Now I have lots to say about the notion that addicts must never again smoke/drink/fuck/shoot up/whatever. Shorthand version of that: I think it’s bunk. BUT, I know that cigarettes are really dangerous for me, and here I am, playing with fire.

My schedule will return to something like normal in a few more weeks, and I anticipate that will help.

Meanwhile, that’s just a glimpse into my head for you….


  1. I learned to meditate recently while away for an extended period of time. Had no choice but to do it. I’ve practiced less and less since I’ve been home. And I need it more than then. Things get cluttered. Exercise helps me. Hope you get back in the rhythm. I use the word “wonky” a lot.

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