On unavailability

Yesterday, I posted on how unavailability is sexy, and desperation isn’t.

Once in a while, I write a post that fails, completely, to communicate what I mean.

This post was one of those.

I seem to have struck a nerve, having gotten a slew of comments – some on the blog, and some via e-mail – telling me just how wrong I got it. And what’s funny is, I don’t disagree with any of those comments. Which means I didn’t exactly get it wrong, so much as say it (entirely) wrong.

I don’t think anyone thinks that unavailability or indifference is sexy. No one wants to be left twisting in the wind, uncertain about whether a suitor is a suitor, whether s/he wants you. We all crave knowledge. We want to be communicated with honestly, openly. And we want to be desired. We don’t want our partners to be indifferent (or worse) to us.

What I meant wasn’t intended to contradict any of that.

I was speaking – as I sometimes do – on a more subconscious level. And as I (often) do, I got it wrong, I think. I failed to communicate what I meant. I’ll try again in coming days, after a few conversations to refine just what it is that I’m saying.

Meantime, thanks so much for keeping me honest.


  1. I think I know what you mean. I’ve gone through this myself and I can see men can and do get put off by a woman being too forward or seemingly desperate. The man’s reaction is to back off and in turn the woman feels like she’s being ignored.

    In short, men want the chase, they LOVE the chase. The hunt turns them on, having to work for it gets them off. It’s an instinct. I’ve only realized this myself recently, and it came to me when I was playing with my neighbour’s cat who got a massive erection while he was playing with the string…. lol.

  2. N, I’ll put some of my thoughts here to help clarify.

    N, my husband, and I have been having a sort of electronic 3-way the last couple of weeks. A lot of the On Anticipation post was directed at me. In that light, I thought his message came through loud and clear. N likes the game. The game, the lead up, the getting, is the best part for him. I agree that it is the best part, but what if it is the ONLY part? My desire is getting the better of me, and given my marriage, I don’t know if it will ever be fulfilled. The game, under these circumstances, is like a meal of appetizers when you haven’t eaten in a week. Of course appetizers make a fun meal, but what do you do when you need more sustenance?

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