She likes it rough…

A friend writes. She’s trying to get her boyfriend to be rougher with her, but “he doesn’t seem to get it.” She wants to be spanked, but “he hasn’t really done so.” He says it’s because of his roommates, because of his concerns about noise. She’s not buying it. And wants to know how she can “encourage” him more effectively. And then, as an aside, she asks if, as I age (she’s just over half my age), I worry about my sex drive’s diminishing.

Last things first. No, I’m not “afraid.” Honestly, I think that, while I love sex, and while I love my sex drive, it wouldn’t be a terrible thing for me if my sex drive diminished a bit (further than it has already – it’s significantly lower than it was in my 20s). My experience of my sex drive is that it’s a BIG presence in my life, and, to the extent that it’s diminished somewhat in recent years, that hasn’t been a problem – it’s been a delight.

As for the boy who doesn’t (want to) spank …. How does one encourage? That’s a tough question. The bottom line is it’s a question of communication and comfort. I suspect that it doesn’t turn him on (and maybe even scares him/turns him off) to spank, or even to imagine spanking, and that’s why he’s not following cues. It’s likely not a question of “encouragement as much as of different desires. It’s always best to say, “I love it when you…” or “it would turn me on even more if you…” But she can’t control him, and if he’s not taking the hint, the best she can do is try to give him what HE wants, to model good listening and pleasure/fantasy delivery for a bit, to create a space that feels safe enough for him to travel even to scary/unsafe-feeling places with (and for) her.

Spanking a woman has never turned me on, but I’ve had the pleasure of being with (and spanking) a number of women for whom it really is hot. And I confess – I was (and maybe even still am) a bit like her boyfriend: because spanking is so affirmatively not a turn-on for me, because I really have to rely solely on compersion to derive pleasure from spanking, it’s not a behavior to which I default, or even one in which I enthusiastically engage, even with a partner who loves it. But I do it, and I’ll do it as often as I’m asked….


  1. i wish my mouth was free-er during sexual encounters; wish i were more comfortable talking dirty. Once i said that to someone whose response was a forceful:
    “Dont. Say anything you don’t mean.” (and whether or not i would “mean” anything in any given situation and what it means to “mean” something is a whole other story) but what he said resonated with me because its how i used to feel when i tried to get my ex to spank me, or be forceful. He just wasn’t there and wasn’t able to fake his way through it and wasn’t interested in figuring out a middle way. And i guess, neither was I. Nothing useful here, just relating.

    You can lead a horse to water…

    1. Yup. It’s funny – what we REALLY want isn’t for our partners to DO something different. It’s for them to BE different. And funny enough, it turns out they never are.

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