A friend writes. She’s trying to get her boyfriend to be rougher with her, but “he doesn’t seem to get it.” She wants to be spanked, but “he hasn’t really done so.” He says it’s because of his roommates, because of his concerns about noise. She’s not buying it. And wants to know how she can “encourage” him more effectively. And then, as an aside, she asks if, as I age (she’s just over half my age), I worry about my sex drive’s diminishing.
As for the boy who doesn’t (want to) spank …. How does one encourage? That’s a tough question. The bottom line is it’s a question of communication and comfort. I suspect that it doesn’t turn him on (and maybe even scares him/turns him off) to spank, or even to imagine spanking, and that’s why he’s not following cues. It’s likely not a question of “encouragement as much as of different desires. It’s always best to say, “I love it when you…” or “it would turn me on even more if you…” But she can’t control him, and if he’s not taking the hint, the best she can do is try to give him what HE wants, to model good listening and pleasure/fantasy delivery for a bit, to create a space that feels safe enough for him to travel even to scary/unsafe-feeling places with (and for) her.
Spanking a woman has never turned me on, but I’ve had the pleasure of being with (and spanking) a number of women for whom it really is hot. And I confess – I was (and maybe even still am) a bit like her boyfriend: because spanking is so affirmatively not a turn-on for me, because I really have to rely solely on compersion to derive pleasure from spanking, it’s not a behavior to which I default, or even one in which I enthusiastically engage, even with a partner who loves it. But I do it, and I’ll do it as often as I’m asked….