Strip club, 2.0

I recently went to a strip club.

In days of yore, I used to like writing in them.

I didn’t like writing in the strip club I recently went to.

Partly, this was because my pen wasn’t working. Partly, because I brought a shitty notepad, instead of a higher-quality notebook.

Mostly, though, it was because the strip club just sucked.

It did, though, get me thinking: what would my ideal strip club look like? I’ve written about this question before, and my answer to the question has shifted over time. Mostly, on this visit, my thoughts headed in the technological direction. I don’t like being approached by women who are selling their bodies, their company, aggressively. The hegemonic ideals of femininity – to which they try to cater in exaggerated ways, both with surgery, and with affect – simply don’t appeal to me. As much as I don’t want a woman whose lips are swollen with botox, whose breasts are rigid with silicone, I also don’t want a woman who up-talks and giggles at everything I say, who calls me “baby,” or “daddy.” I could go on. There’s lots I don’t want.

And. But. There’s lots I do want, and the culture of strip clubs makes it really hard for me to get that – even when it’s present.

Which brings me to my technological insight.

In recent years, airports have made tablets an inescapable aspect of the travel experience. Sit nearly anywhere, and you can pick up a tablet, spend 90 seconds on it. Sometimes more, because transactions suck on such things still. But then, a few minutes later, whatever wish you’ve tapped on the tablet materializes.

I want that in a strip club: a real-time catalog of the women in the club, sorted by availability. One section, for those who aren’t on the stage, in a VIP room, or dancing with a customer. One, for those on stage (who will be available soon). One, for those dancing with customers (who might be available soon). And one, for those in the VIP room. I suppose we could add a category for those whose shifts are starting soon. Each woman would have, say, a close-up headshot, a full-body clothed shot, and maybe, a topless shot. A little biographical info: country of origin, first language, a couple of areas of conversational interest. And maybe a little glimpse of personality – I would almost certainly never select a woman whose bio featured “I can show you a good time, baby,” or “I want to call you daddy!”.

Then, I could tap on the woman of my choice, and maybe even tell her a little about me, about how I like to be approached, about what appeals to me about her.

I recognize that all this is an attempt on my part to manage eliminate uncertainty, to defend against disappointment. And/but… isn’t that what strip clubs are for?

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