I was talking the other day with a good friend.
She’s not submissive.
She likes to be bossed around, told what to do. But she likes to say “no” as much as she likes to say “yes,” and she doesn’t get any particular pleasure out of the act of submission. I think, on the other hand, what she really prefers is simply not to have to think about what comes next, for it to happen, and for it also to be what she wants.
I’m sympathetic to this. It’s what I like too, when I’m not in control. I very much like relinquishing control to someone who then delivers precisely what I would have taken were I in control. That’s a very special form of validation. And it’s not, really, submitting.
This woman is a strong, smart, accomplished woman. She seemed to suggest that what I want, what turns me on, is weakness or, at least, relative weakness in the women whom I hope will submit to me.
She’s smart, and knows me well, so I’m eager not to dismiss this thought without some thought. But I think it’s wrong, and I’ll use V and L to explore how, why….
There’s twenty years between V and me, or L. Her ability to be accomplished professionally in any comparable way is limited. And, as I often find myself observing (not because of V, but because my daily life brings me into contact with lots of people in their mid-20s), most people of her age are busy learning things I learned twenty years ago. Which makes sense, of course. But which also often makes them look dumb to me. I don’t have that sense about V at all. She possesses a maturity in relationships, and an openness with respect both to sex and to relationships that I find inspiring, even awesome. And I’ve watched her work, just a bit, and she comes across as articulate, thoughtful, politic, hard-working. (Interesting skill: this has even been true when my mouth has been on her clit or one or more fingers in her pussy.)
As for L, she is very accomplished. She awes me routinely. She does so with her emotionally intuitive observations. She does so with her efficiency, her ability to multitask, to accomplish. And she does so with her creativity and humor. She is influential, a trend-setter and taste-shaper. She posts afternoon projects on Facebook that would take me months to do. Seriously. And she’s a good, close friend. To nearly everyone I know.
So it’s not that I’m drawn to weak women.
On the contrary: what’s hot to me isn’t simply submission – it’s the distance between what a woman is like when she’s not submitting and how comprehensively she submits to me. The bratty sub doesn’t do it for me because she doesn’t submit completely. And a vapid sub wouldn’t be interesting because, well, because her submission to me wouldn’t be a gift, it would be something I would take effortlessly.
No, what makes submission so fucking hot is when it is given, freely, completely, by a woman who could kick my ass.
The friend with whom I had that discussion writes, “I don’t think (and never thought) that what turns you on is weakness in a woman, per se. But the desire for a woman to not use her strength — that is, to me, sort of similar. You don’t want to *force* her into a position of weakness, but you do want her desire for your happiness to lead her there. You want to be the one that subdues her strength, in your particular manner. I can see how that’s more gratifying with a woman who is strong to start with.”
I would tend to disagree with the postscript. I absolutely use my strength when I submit to N. When I knelt in front him in plain sight at a bar on a Saturday night awaiting his instruction, when I handed him my panties in a cafe during my lunch break, when I was pressed against the wall at Le T and he told me to cum, now, as others watched – those encounters all brought me pleasure as much as they did him, and I daresay none of them were accomplished by weakness. I remember once at the start of a date I was particularly nervous and N. told me how hot it was for him to watch me fight myself for him until I give in. My personal form of submission is not about strength or lack thereof, but about relinquishing control. I have found submission to be an incredible sexual and mental release, and I am grateful N. is able to provide me with that satisfaction.
Maybe it’s just me, but although V says she disagrees with the postscript, I actually see both of these women saying the exact same thing. I agree with them whole-heartedly.
Great post. I’d never thought of submission this way. I think it makes perfect sense.
I have sent this to a lover, you have captured the dynamic between us perfectly.
Cool! I love it when something I write resonates for others.