May 072014
 

I owe Angela an apology. I imagined she had fucked “two or six guys” in the time since I was lucky enough to have my fun with her. And I called her a “slut.”

The latter, calling her a “slut,” was, truly, intended admiringly, as a compliment. When I use the word, I mean, “a sexually self-actualized person who’s lucky enough to have a lot of sex.” I forget other people have different associations with the word.

The former, imagining her sexual prolific-ness, was, in retrospect, defensive. I don’t like being, or feeling, rejected. Especially by a woman. Especially especially by a woman who has sucked my cock, been fucked by me. There’s something more totalizing about rejection in those circumstances for me.

And Angela has, intentionally or not, left me feeling rejected. She takes a long time to reply to my emails; she declines to propose get-togethers as she declines proposed get-togethers; she offers, but then fails to deliver, various and sundry gifts; and – and maybe this is telling – she visits my blog a lot less than she used to.

The bottom line is, I’m hurt, sad. As I’ve written many times, I perceive rejection easily, and it stings, always. She owes me nothing, and has been clear that she’s busy with work. But still, I feel rejected, stung.

And interestingly, somehow where I go ISN’T to imagine either that she’s not rejecting me, she has been busy, or that she is rejecting me, but is chaste. No, I imagine – and write, here – that she’s being sexually prolific without me. I’m intrigued by this and, clearly, have some more thinking to do about just why I did this, what purpose it serves for me. (And, about why I wrote and posted this without getting her reaction first, as I generally do when writing about people who, I know, read this blog and will see themselves here.)

In any event, what I wrote rubbed her the wrong way. So much so that I may now have lost an opportunity – an opportunity I hadn’t yet lost – to have another adventure with her.

This sucks.

Angela, I’m sorry. (And also, regretful. They’re different, but both present here, in equal measure.)

  4 Responses to “Presumptuous”

  1. It takes a big man to apologize publicly. And… I think all of us learn as we go along, like that one word can have different connotations for two different people. Or even different meanings attached to it by one person – depending on who uses the word.

    Rebel xox

  2. Ah well… I suppose there is a difference between being called a slut in person and seeing it being written by someone who can sound resentful (as you were, since you were regretful to have lost her attention). Spoken words are very different as they come with tone of voice. You can hear the playfulness in them or the anger. It’s much more difficult for written words. People will interpret them in the manner they have been used to hearing them… Which is why I tend to write a lot, as I don’t want anyone to misinterpret my written words.
    I hope she can accept your apology as you have given it on the same medium as the insult she felt.
    If not, I feel sorry for you. But as rebel wrote: we all learn as we go 🙂

  3. She interpreted the word much like you interpreted her distance. Human interactions are a tricky thing especially over the Internet when it’s impossible to hear inflection/honest communication isn’t happening.

    Then again we bring our own set of understanding to any relationship. Things can get old fast.

  4. maybe Angela will get the chance to read this and give you another chance!

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