Territory
The Interior
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Reality
Read moreA disastrous date, one that illustrates just how insane I am.
Anger and loss
Read moreI’m in pain, with little hope of relief. Ever. And it seems to be producing some intense emotions in me.
Disappointment
Read moreIt seems I won’t get to consummate my fantasies with Lida. I haz a sad.
Rage
Read moreWhat my anger feels like, what it does.
Porcelain doll update
Read moreOnce a john, always a john?
Death and my cock
Read moreMy surprising strategy to fend off fears of death – mine or others – is to feel my cock grow hard.
Procrastination and fear
Read moreWhy do I procrastinate? Because I’m scared.
This is what not acting out sexually can look like
Read moreThe space between wanting and doing, mapped out in real time.
Anger at women
Read moreI definitely have anger issues toward women. Here’s how they work, and how paying for sex fits in.
An interesting take on sex addiction
Read moreAn interesting take on sex addiction that resonates with me.
The five hindrances
Read moreA sex addict meditates on the five hindrances. Guess which one predominates.
Stalking veronique
Read moreI loiter on her block, phone in hand, one eye on the screen and one on the passers-by, hoping for something I’ve agreed not to pursue.
More thoughts about rejection, and the porcelain doll
Read moreRejection stings worst when it echoes old wounds. My readers let me know I had my head up my ass, and they weren’t wrong.
Porcelain doll
Read moreShe looked like a porcelain doll — red lips, red hair, pale skin. I thought we’d become friends. Turns out I’d only ever been a customer.
Dates vs. sure things
Read moreMost of my dates are sure things. This one won’t be, and that means something much scarier than not getting laid: the possibility of being rejected not for my looks, but for *me*.
Fear of rejection, and shame
Read moreThe distance between who I am online and who I am in the world protects me from more than I like to admit.
Sex and death (2)
Read moreSometimes all I want is to be hard — not to connect, not to come, but to counter a deadness deep within me with the undeniable sensation of being alive.
Youth and adulthood
Read moreMy body responds before my mind does, but thankfully, my mind wins every time — and it’s not virtue, it’s something deeper and darker that keeps me honest.
Tales of rejection
Read moreThere’s so much more sex I don’t have than sex I have. Sometimes I wonder if it’s not the rejections I crave even more.
Bad dates and compulsion
Read moreI can predict the outcome of a date with near-perfect accuracy, which only raises the question of why I sometimes go on the ones I know will be bad.
