Territory
The Interior
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Aging sucks: a body inventory
Read moreAging sucks, but it beats the alternative.
Forbidden secret fantasies about margot
Read moreI’m exploring a layered erotic fantasy involving Margot — a woman I know who escorts — structured in three tiers: a private tryst with her directly, a scenario where she procures a companion who meets my specific preferences, and a third fantasy combining both where she participates alongside that companion.
Warning: less editing ahead on this blog
Read moreI’m announcing a shift in how I write for this blog — moving toward less polished, lightly edited posts as my output has grown and my readership has shrunk. The blog has always been for me more than for an audience, and I’m leaning further into that.
Margot wants a gangbang: trust and fantasy
Read moreI reflect on a conversation with Margot about her unrealized fantasy of double penetration and a gangbang, realizing what excites me isn’t the act itself but the trust she’d place in me to keep her safe while curating such an evening — and the gratitude that might follow.
Custody of the eyes
Read moreRethinking an old concept
Ghosting, repetition, and my pattern with women
Read moreI experience connections as deep and real, but they end not in intentional closure but in disappearance. This is my compulsive repetition of courting and failing to avoid abandonment.
The internet has changed and so has this blog
Read moreI’m reflecting on the dramatic decline in real human traffic to my blog, the rise of AI-mediated reading, and the loss of the narcissistic gratification I used to get from engaged readership. I’m not sure yet whether this is a bad thing, but it’s a real change and I’m uncertain how or whether to adapt.
Dating tina: chemistry, submission, and running away
Read moreI’ve dated several beautiful, intelligent women recently but can’t muster a physical response. With Tina, whose voice is catnip, the problem is she’s not submissive — when I asked her to wear something green and she deflected, every alarm bell went off, and now, shamefully, I want to run.
Isabella: desire, loss, and overlapping worlds
Read moreI’m writing about Isabella, one of two women who taught me the most about my sexuality. She showed me my cock could be an object of desire, while the Secretary taught me my desire itself could be desired. I miss them both — not just for sex, but for the intimacy we shared.
Shame: reflections on self-acceptance over time
Read moreI’m reflecting on how shame has shaped my life and my blog since 2010 — from the radical openness I once had in writing about my most uncomfortable impulses, to the self-judgment and contempt that have crept back in now that I’m less anonymous and less self-accepting.
Bike lane beauty
Read moreI’ve traded my subway commute for an e-bike over the past two years, gaining a new intimacy with the city’s geography and weather, but losing the daily river of humanity that once inspired my peons. This morning gave me my first fleeting glimpse of that old muse — a stunning brunette on a bike, gone in a flash.
Epiphanies
Read moreI had an epiphany about the shame I feel when relationships with women end — a deep sense that I am bad, unworthy, and that the loss is proof of it. It connected my pattern of abandonment to my mother, and felt like genuine news even though I’ve written about it many times before.
Death surrounds me
Read moreDeath has been a constant presence throughout my life — from losing grandparents as a young child to my mother at nineteen. My own 21-year-old child, though, has been largely sheltered from it, and losses are now drawing closer.
Depression part 2: symptoms beyond sadness
Read moreWhat being sad, being a little depressed, looks like in me.
Depression
Read moreI’m depressed. Not TERRIBLY depressed. But depressed.
Making a chatbot: legacy, loss, and llms
Read moreI’ve been building a chatbot to give access to my writing — not to imitate my voice, but to preserve it. This project grew from grief over my mother’s lost writings and a resolve not to leave my child without my output.
Every behavior has a reason: examining pornographic habits
Read moreEvery behavior, sexual or otherwise, contains valuable information. Lately my pornographic habits are raising disturbing new questions I’ve been avoiding — ones I plan to explore in a future post.
The unwritten history of misery
Read moreRemembering my suffering.
Missing v: a bittersweet reflection on lost contact
Read moreI’ve known V since 2011. We aren’t in touch, and I haz a sad.
Trump era politics dampening libido and desire
Read moreTrump has dampened my libido. What I initially attributed to aging, I now recognize as a response to the horror of the current political moment: it’s hard to summon desire in the middle of a national catastrophe.
