Territory
The Interior
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Custody of the eyes
Read moreRethinking an old concept
Ghosting, repetition, and my pattern with women
Read moreI experience connections as deep and real, but they end not in intentional closure but in disappearance. This is my compulsive repetition of courting and failing to avoid abandonment.
A direct desire letter to sydney
Read moreA candid message to Sydney, distinguishing between my general desire for cunnilingus and my specific desire for her, while framing it carefully to avoid unwelcome intrusion.
The internet has changed and so has this blog
Read moreNobody’s reading this anymore – or if they are, it’s through a chatbot. I miss the traffic spikes more than I want to admit.
Dating tina: chemistry, submission, and running away
Read moreTina has a voice like catnip and everything else going for her – but I asked her to wear something green, and she said she was busy.
Isabella: desire, loss, and overlapping worlds
Read moreI’m writing about Isabella, one of two women who taught me the most about my sexuality. She showed me my cock could be an object of desire, while the Secretary taught me my desire itself could be desired. I miss them both — not just for sex, but for the intimacy we shared.
Shame: reflections on self-acceptance over time
Read moreI used to put everything here, no flinching. Now there’s a list of things I won’t confess, and I can feel why.
Bike lane beauty
Read moreTwo years of biking to work instead of riding the subway, and this morning I finally saw an ass worth writing about.
Epiphanies
Read moreI’ve written a hundred times about being abandoned. Turns out I missed the part where I’m ashamed.
Death surrounds me
Read moreDeath has been a constant presence throughout my life — from losing grandparents as a young child to my mother at nineteen. My own 21-year-old child, though, has been largely sheltered from it, and losses are now drawing closer.
Depression part 2: symptoms beyond sadness
Read moreWhat being sad, being a little depressed, looks like in me.
Depression
Read moreI’m depressed. Not TERRIBLY depressed. But depressed.
Making a chatbot: legacy, loss, and llms
Read moreI’ve been building a chatbot to give access to my writing — not to imitate my voice, but to preserve it. This project grew from grief over my mother’s lost writings and a resolve not to leave my child without my output.
The unwritten history of misery
Read moreRemembering my suffering.
Missing v: a bittersweet reflection on lost contact
Read moreI’ve known V since 2011. We aren’t in touch, and I haz a sad.
Trump era politics dampening libido and desire
Read moreTrump has dampened my libido. What I initially attributed to aging, I now recognize as a response to the horror of the current political moment: it’s hard to summon desire in the middle of a national catastrophe.
Permission, fantasy, and the third rail
Read moreI’m trying to give myself permission to fantasize about off-limits women. It’s HARD!
Losing women
Read moreI struggle to accept the loss of women in my life, a pattern rooted in losing my mother repeatedly.
Being a side: a lament
Read moreI reflect on my lack of passionate, spontaneous sex and the losses inherent in any particular sexual configuration.
Replaying the story of being left despite doing my best
Read moreI keep telling myself a story, using various women, in which I do everything right but am still left, feeling somehow at fault and unable to prevent or repair the loss.
