My mother

Some of my thoughts about WHY I want the things I want.

There’s something dead inside of me. Also, sirens.

Curls aren’t my thing because they’re natural. They’re my thing because they’re not.

Sofia’s right: I really am difficult. The two dangers of being desired — having instead of getting, and being wanted in the wrong amount.

Where shame comes from, and why I need it.

I tossed off a quick answer about loneliness, then spent the next few hours realizing I was wrong about myself — and tracing the line from rejection to shame to paying for the very rejection I was trying to escape.

Thinking someone could just explain away my compulsive sexual behavior was the first of many things I got wrong. The list of things I got wrong is long.

Life goes on, even when it shouldn’t. Especially when it shouldn’t.

Before I tell you about the boat, T and I need to negotiate what our son might one day read — and somehow that leads to the word “Daddy,” Oedipus, and my mother.

My relationship to money and desire, and the ingenious, self-defeating system I built to get the former without risking the latter.