Abandonment

I struggle to accept the loss of women in my life, a pattern rooted in losing my mother repeatedly.

I keep telling myself a story, using various women, in which I do everything right but am still left, feeling somehow at fault and unable to prevent or repair the loss.

I hate being ghosted. It shakes my sense of connection, judgment, and even cosmology.

Just what is it I’m scared of? Same old same old…. Shame. Abandonment. Loss.

An open letter to a woman who disappeared.

A slightly more reflective reflection on how Serena can make it up to me

My feelings were hurt

My affair with Serena is flickering out, and the pain has been overwhelming. I’ve kept my thoughts hidden, too raw and vulnerable. Now, I’m torn between rage and terror, emotions that clash with my rational understanding.

I find that if I mine my interactions with, and feelings about, various women in my life, I can learn a lot of interesting stuff. Mostly around my fear and uncertainty in dating.

Serena is late, and disappoints me just a bit. Turns out, I manage it fine.