On this blog, I’ve pretty shamelessly depicted my desires and my fantasies over the years. Almost all of them I’ve felt comfortable sharing or I’ve felt at least tolerably uncomfortable sharing. I have one, though, at the moment that I don’t dare share. It features specific people in my work life in a way that I can’t imagine communicating without the scenario and the individuals being unmistakable to anyone familiar with them, with us, with the scenario itself. This leaves me in an unfamiliar position—I don’t dare speak these thoughts aloud. Fantasizing in public, in this instance, would be bad.
I have spoken this fantasy aloud, dictating it into my little personal voice memo machine (more on that anon) as I biked. I dictated my fantasy, all the elements of it, the roles the various people would play. None of it would be unfamiliar to regular readers of this blog. But the specifics are simply too specific. These are people I know and like and respect, with whom I have professional and personal relationships that would be jeopardized were they to know the details in my mind.
The Uncertainty of Reactions
In truth, I don’t know that to be true. If I’m honest, I suspect that at least one, and maybe two, of them – the ones I know best in this crowd – would be kind of amused. And the others, too, whom I know less well, I have a hunch might also be flattered, even titillated. But it’s a hunch, not a certainty. And the downsides, if I were wrong, are simply prohibitive.
Holding Back to Protect Relationships
So I’ll keep the lion’s share of the fantasy to myself, and simply tell you that it features me, me in a position of power and authority, two other women in positions of relative power and authority, as it relates to the other participants in the fantasy, and a bunch more folks (including one guy!). The two women in positions of power function as instrumentalities of mine, shouldering the responsibility for making sure that things go exactly as I might wish.
The Planning Phase and the Unmet Need for Recognition
As with all my fantasies, the bulk of it takes place before any sex occurs, in the planning phase, which features exploration and learning about my desires and the desires of the participants. And which features a demonstration, by all involved, of interest in and appreciation for not just all the elements of my fantasy, but their psychic underpinnings.
The Fantasy’s Deeper Appeal and the Longing for Acceptance
This fantasy delivers to me so many things that I strive for in my fantasy and sexual life. The elaborate, near-perfect orientation of multiple women toward the realization of my fantasies, their interest in me, such that they aim not only to give me what I want, but to understand and admire my creativity in using my fantasies to soothe my psychic wounds. It features a longing, on their part, to be a part of that soothing.
It features their not just giving me what I want, not just delighting in giving me what I want, but understanding, appreciating, and even admiring the fact of my desires in all of their specificity and perversity. I wish I could share the fantasy with you. I wish it didn’t have just enough shame and just enough violation to require that I keep it confidential.
Because it’s really fucking hot.
