Nicole and I were discussing the “content” she has, at times, produced for paying customers. Content that includes, I infer, cock-sucking (with a previous boyfriend; she hasn’t broached – and doesn’t anticipate broaching – the topic with her current boyfriend), nudes, and I’m not sure what else.
“You’ll be happy to know I don’t enjoy it,” she said to me, as she stretched forward in child’s pose, her round ass filling my screen – and filling her pink and white and blue bike/yoga shorts.
Nicole’s never been in therapy. I’ve been in enough therapy for the both of us. And you. And you. And you.
We’ve been discussing therapy – a relatively foreign concept to her, and I’ve been giving her examples of some ways in which it can work.
I pointed out the… complexity… of her sentence. The assumptions it implied. The perspectives. How, if she said a sentence like that in therapy, to a therapist, her therapist would have a field day.
Why “you’ll be happy to know”? She’s making the assertion that “she doesn’t enjoy” making content. But that’s not the point of the sentence – the point of the sentence was somehow to draw a connection between the underlying truth (or claim?) that she doesn’t enjoy making content and my feelings about that truth/claim. And, the connection she drew presumed a certain worldview on my part – a worldview I’m not sure I can identify, but I have some guesses. Would I be happy because of some judgment I might have for her if she did enjoy it? Because of something it might say about her to me if she enjoyed it? Something else? Maybe she imagined I might be jealous of the guys who buy her content. I don’t know. I imagine there are a million other possibilities. But these all popped into my mind, and could be distilled down to the question, “Well, now – why would I be happy to know that?”
I’m guessing here – I don’t know, and we didn’t really get far enough into the discussion for me to learn (though we will, soon enough), but I’m guessing – that Nicole thinks there’s something… distasteful? about selling the (kind of?) content she sells. Maybe she thinks there’s something distasteful about the men who buy it. Maybe she thinks it says something about her that she makes it – or that it might say something about her, but it says less of that about her than it would if she did enjoy it. (And what if she did enjoy it? What would that mean about her? What does she imagine I would think?)
Or maybe something else. I don’t know….
Here’s what I do know: as I told Nicole when she first asked me about my appetite for her “content,” I have zero interest in paid content. But I would fucking love to watch her come.