I’ve written about this topic before, at least two times , but now’s a good time, again.
One of the odd features of my sexuality, of my psyche, is that I have an insatiable hunger not just for sex, or for feeling desire/d, but for the complexification of that desire, for its refractory multiplication. I don’t just want you. I don’t just want you to want me. I want more: I want you to want everything I want, for me. If I want you and I want her, I want you to want me to have her. I want you not just to approve of my wanting her, of my getting her, but I actually want you to get her for me, to share her with me, and to want that. I want, in the words of one friend, to have my cake and eat it too.
I don’t just want for you to comply with me, to give me what I want, to do as I ask. I want you to keep up with me as I ask more and more and more and more.
From time to time, this presents challenges.
Sometimes, it presents challenges to/with the person of whom I’m asking infinitely more. More often, it presents challenges in a different way, a way that is if not unique to me, at least unique to my (odd) situation as a slutty, polyamorous, swinging, married blogger: a key part of what I want from you, in addition to your desire, is your acceptance of my exhibitionistic renderings of the fulfillment of my desire with others. So when I post a series of posts, as with the recent ones on Véronique, sometimes one or both of my (two, currently) distant buddies gets unhappy. Or a bona fide, real-life friend does. She may be unhappy because she’s jealous. Or maybe because she sees familiar aspects of her relationship with me depicted in some other relationship, which makes her feel cheap, or interchangeable, or not special. (L used the word “disposable” in a recent conversation on the subject.) Or makes her think that I’m cheap, or somehow slimy.
This is part of the burden of being me, I think, as well as of the burden of accepting a bit of an involvement with me. Alas.
See, this is the thing: I like women. And I like you. They’re not mutually exclusive. And the liking of you doesn’t in any way diminish my liking of other women. And vice versa. This is one of those things that seems so clear in my head, but rarely seems clear to anyone else. It’s one of the ways, I suspect, in which my neuronal wiring is simply off.
I’ve read most, if not all, of your back story and a lot of your current posts and am usually pretty interested in both the sexual encounter stories and your interpretation of your sexual fantasies. And to be honest a lot of what I’ve read is (or has been) basically my worst nightmare in a potential partner of any kind (casual or committed, etc) and when I think about it I also find my reaction pretty interesting. I think that, for me, the less special I feel – or have felt throughout my life – the more the possibility that the person that I am interested in might find anyone else attractive (let alone be totally enamored with) has been incredibly threatening to me and as a result I’ve had a hard time conceiving of being involved in an open relationship – even though I’m intrigued by them. I don’t think my reaction is unusual at all – I think it’s pretty common – but I also don’t think that it’s a fixed thing. I have def felt a shift in those feelings as I have meditated and felt happier with myself and I am also just as fascinated by your stories as I have been horrified – which leads me to believe that I have something going on there that needs to be worked through. There is a part of me that would love to be able to experience what you are talking about – from both sides – and feel nothing but joy. I don’t know if that will happen – but who knows. I really appreciate you sharing these insights and I personally don’t think you should ever consider your wiring “off” – it’s just different. Your posts have really helped me enormously to see areas that I would like to change – simply by seeing how strong my reaction is 🙂
Do you ever have the issues that you talk about here yourself? In regards to your wife or any one the women you are with when they are with another man? Maybe you’re already talked about this but I dont’ recall.
Sorry if this is a bit rambling or unclear 🙂
Neither rambling nor unclear.
I think, to take the last things first, of course I have these issues. Jealousy is a huge part of (my) life. And I think I’ve written about it a fair amount. In fact, L jokes that I seem to write the same post on the subject every couple of months.
I have several different forms of discomfort around T’s and other women’s relationships with other men: first, there’s envy. That’s the biggest. When a woman I care about is getting something fulfilling and I’m not? That sucks. Second, there’s insecurity: I hate the feeling that there are others out there who are better than I am, whose cocks are bigger, who fuck better. But I can’t do much about that. My cock isn’t that big; and as I’ve written at length, I don’t fuck all that well. (I’m a champion pussy-eater, though.) And third, there’s genuine fear: I’m going to lose her. In the case of T, I don’t (I no longer) fear this. But with other women, it’s very live.
And for me, I crave a balm of disclosure to fix it. It hurts if you fuck another guy, if you suck another guy’s cock. But if you tell me about it? If you tell me what you found hot, what you didn’t, what you liked, what you didn’t, what you felt? That is the best possible accompaniment to the pains and pangs of jealousy and envy.
As to my wiring, it IS a little off, because I – someone who generally is quite empathetic – simply can’t see the world through the lens that most people see. I genuinely don’t get why my stance is so threatening, so painful, so difficult. I mean, rationally I do. But it’s very hard for me to internalize that deeply….
Thank you for your (really) thoughtful comment.
N.
Oh, sorry – I do recall you talking about envy – I just didn’t recall you talking about your own feelings of jealousy. I guess that was my question – and the part that you’re referring as to your wiring being off – that you can be jealous and feel threatened but you cannot understand how the women who are the objects of your affection can feel that way.
I can see what you’re saying though. It’s just easier to be in the position of knowing what’s going on – and when you’re on the outside (of someone else’s brain) it’s impossible to know what’s going on. You just have to be incredibly secure within yourself, I guess.
I think I have a hard time imagining that this isn’t the way it is for everyone though. I really don’t understand the whole idea of compersion at all. I guess obviously because I’ve never felt it.
Actually, I think I’m failing at making a slightly different point. Maybe even the exact opposite of the one you think.
I totally understand feeling jealousy, feeling envy, feeling threatened. What is harder for me is not seeing that as MY problem (YOUR problem). I am always thrown not when one of my friends feels jealousy or envy, but when she feels ANGER or REVULSION. That’s what I don’t get.
And as for compersion, it’s not really something I’m big on either: I want those I care about to be happy, to have pleasure. But it’s rare that I affirmatively feel my own pleasure IN their pleasure. Particularly when their pleasure excludes me. That’s not a reason for me to oppose that pleasure – in fact, I root for it. But it’s just not something that brings ME my own pleasure.
I understand what you’re saying about disclosure. I think your response is more clear and defined than your post.
See? We speak the same language. Creepy, right?