There are doms who derive pleasure from bending subs to their will. (And there are submissives who derive pleasure from being so “bent,” from traveling a distance to their doms’ desires, from being compelled to travel that distance by their doms, whether by brute force, or by contract, or by desire alone.)
This seems an appealing configuration to me – one of strength on the part of the dom, and of true submission on the part of the sub.
It is, though, not how I’m wired.
A couple of weeks ago, in “Weak Women,” I wrote:
“what’s hot to me isn’t simply submission – it’s the distance between what a woman is like when she’s not submitting and how comprehensively she submits to me. The bratty sub doesn’t do it for me because she doesn’t submit completely. And a vapid sub wouldn’t be interesting because, well, because her submission to me wouldn’t be a gift, it would be something I would take effortlessly.
No, what makes submission so fucking hot is when it is given, freely, completely, by a woman who could kick my ass.”
But there’s more to it.
“Dominance” and “submission” may well not be the right words to describe what I want to do, what I want done for me. Sometimes I think that rather than being dominant, what I am is infantile: I simply want my way. And, like an infant, I want to be the center of the universe. I want what I want, and I want you to want it too.
I don’t want you to submit to me, because submitting implies there’s some self to which, were you true, would have you do otherwise.
I don’t want to bend you to my will; I want your will to curl into, under mine, like shrink-wrap. I want there to be no distance between them. By definition.
“Submission” suggests traversing the distance between two people’s wills. What I crave is sheer, perfect, utter harmony, even unity.
Domination and submission is a kind of sexual relationship I don’t really can understand. I have read a lot of blogs whose writers are in such kind of relationship, but just can’t understand all the troubles or pain they go into this for the sake of satisfying the other parties’ interests.
Interesting, your take on this.
My two favorite books of stories: Macho Sluts by Pat Califia and the new Bending by Greta Christina play a lot with the idea of consent or lack thereof.
Often, what I find hot is (the idea of) non-consent.
I think what I want is infantile too. But i want something different; i dont want to be in control, i dont want to have to plan ahead or think.
ps
i love these books. Macho Sluts was an introduction to s/m to me, probably in the early ’90s and Bending feels like the author read my mind.
Different but the same, ultimately: you want to be relieved of early anxieties, too.
I read Macho Sluts long ago, long before my sexual awakening. I remember being weirded out by it, threatened, scared. I should take a look now. As for Bending, I’ll look into it.
Love your thought that you’re not being dominant, just infantile… Made me smile, so must ring a bell somewhere with me too
Hmm. There’s something here for me to unpack – I can see I’m going to be thinking on it for a while. (Oh, and I really love both Macho Sluts and Bending. So there’s that!)
xx Dee