I write a blog, and have done for over a decade, so, naturally, I’m filled with narcissism. What else possibly could motivate someone to lay themselves bare, over and over, across hundreds of thousands (if not millions) of words, thousands of posts?
My definition of “narcissism”
When I read the word “narcissism,” though, I tend to think about it a bit differently than you might, at first, imagine. [This won’t be the first time you read this, if you’ve read other of my posts on the subject.] To me, narcissism is not the dictionary (or “dictionary“) definition: “excessive interest in or admiration of oneself and one’s physical appearance.” No. When I use the word, what I mean is something much closer to, “having the regulation of one’s self-esteem be central to one’s motivation in all circumstances.” It is in this sense that I think myself often quite the narcissist: I don’t think I’m so great; I want you to think I’m great. Or really, not that I’m “great,” but rather, that what you see in me is, to the greatest extent possible, precisely what I hope you will see in me.
Any departure in your view of me from my own, idealized, desired view of myself? That causes me pain.
What I hope you will see in me
Like any good narcissist, I have a robust sense of precisely how I want to be seen. This desired view of me? I understand it almost as a roadmap to my (likely) actual view of myself. I want you to see in me what I wish I felt. I want you to miss in me, not to see in me, all of what I wish I didn’t see in myself, what I wish I didn’t feel about myself. When you look at me, I hope you will see someone who is:
- Open-minded
- Curious
- Perceptive
- Thoughtful (in both senses of the word)
- Introspective
- Reflective
- Vulnerable
- Interesting
- Confident
- And sure, smart….
- Desirable, as a result of all that
What I hope you will not see in me
There are two sets of characteristics I hope you will not see in me – those of which, consciously, I’m aware, and those of which I’m not so consciously aware, but whose presence I can discern in various of my other thoughts and actions:
Conscious flaws/fears
- Weakness
- Solipsism
- Selfishness
- Proclivity toward action when facing uncomfortable or unwelcome thoughts or feelings, for short-term soothing and/or relief
- Cockiness/arrogance
- Stubbornness
Less conscious flaws/fears
Those “conscious flaws and fears” – I have them all, unquestionably. They’re more or less subjective, but I would agree that it’s basically undeniable that each of them characterizes me at various times. This next list is a bit more subjective still – traits which are more judgments than traits – but they’re what I most fear you, or someone*, might think I am:
- Pathetic
- Undesirable
- Sociopathic
- Inconsiderate/thoughtless
- Deluded/blind
* I’ve been writing this blog long enough that there have been readers in the comments who’ve thought me all of these things. Somehow, that doesn’t bother me. It’s not that I can’t bear to be seen as any of these things. It’s that I can’t bear to be seen as any of these things from someone I hope will like me.
And a postscript:
I asked ChatGPT and Claude to help me visualize all this. ChatGPT was helpful in organizing my thoughts, but Claude actually generated some Python code that produced this:
I’m impressed.