I haven’t done a sex toy review in a while, and I’ve been sitting on this one for a month or three. Life has been busy, and this hasn’t been a high priority for me. I haven’t been jerking off all that much lately – a bit less than usual. Not sure why – maybe has something to do with having been busier than usual. In any event – the folks at BigShocked e-mailed me, offering me the chance to test a couple of their toys. They sent me two. I’ll get to the other one in a subsequent post, but for now, I’ll write about my favorite of the two they sent – the “Trainer rotating and thrusting hands-free masturbator.”
This is a big, heavy, durable-feeling toy. It’s attractive, in its way. Except for the clear latex simulated pussy entrance. I’ve written before about my feelings about these fake pussies. In this toy, the form/function split is inescapable: the “pussy” part is an inch or two from where the action happens, and it’s functionally entirely irrelevant. It just serves as the door through which I push my cock to get to the action. For a variety of reasons, I would prefer this toy if a) it were one inch shorter, and b) it started right where the inside sleeve – a nubbed silicone pleasure chamber – starts. Also? I would prefer it if it stood on its end a bit more reliably. (Most times I have tried to stand it on its end, it required real gentle handling to get it to stay; most of the time, it just tipped. The end could have been flat, and they’d have lost a little in form, but gained a lot in function.)
On this particular day, I dialed up sxyprn.com, a competitor of Pornhub that specializes in HQ porn (I think), and, on the front page, saw this video – Cadey Mercury and Mick Blue. I like Cadey Mercury a lot: there’s something about her short black hair, and her tiny tits – and her really cute smile – that just makes my cock hard.
So I put this video up on my screen – and loaded up two more videos featuring her – this one, with Bree Daniels…
… and this one, with an unnamed “therapist.”
I pressed play on all, advanced the first one about ten or twelve minutes, rubbed some lube on my (hard) cock, and pressed the power button.
When you press the power button on this toy, nothing happens. You have to then press the second button, the “pattern” button. I think that button cycles through eight or ten different rhythms. And I lowered the device onto my cock.
I wrote that I wish the device started about an inch later: my cock isn’t big. It’s 5-6 inches. This machine leaves the bottom inch or even two of my cock essentially un-stimulated, while the sleeve twists and pulses around the last 3-4 inches. Now, to be fair, it is the most sensitive part of my cock that the machine focuses on, and focuses on expertly. But I found myself longing to get the base of my cock into it as well, and the silly fake pussy and in inch or so of air prevented that. Bummer.
Regardless, I plunged my cock into it, watched the three videos, and collected various stimulations provided by various rhythms. All were good. None was, quite, what I wanted. I don’t know if that’s about the machine, about my cock, or about this particular session. I’ve used the machine a few times, and each time has been quite different.
In any event, I collected those stimulations, watched my porn, and, eight minutes or so later, convulsed, filling the tube with my cum.
This is an industrial masturbator, for men who are serious about their masturbation. And, probably, for men of greater than average penis length. I’m not their target. I’m not serious about my masturbation. I like some stimulation, but I don’t have to work for it, I don’t need intense, wild stimulation: I just need friction. I don’t want intense, wild stimulation; I just want friction. So, between my cock size and my preferences, this machine targets masturbators who are not me. Add to that, like all masturbators, this one needs cleaning afterwards. And, like all electric masturbators, cleaning it isn’t all that straightforward. I mean, it’s easy enough, but it’s a little bit of a project.
All of which is to say: if you’re a professional masturbator, if you’re into big, heavy-duty, intense electronic masturbators? I have the sense this might be for you. If you’re in that group and you have a big (long, not thick) cock? It’s definitely for you. But if you’re like me – an amateur masturbator who likes his jerking off simple, quick, easy, clean? I would stick with something without batteries or a charger.
But. One thing I will say? This toy provides ridiculous value for money. At $88, it’s less than many Fleshlights or Fleshlight-like devices, and it’s much more intense, much more engineered. It lays bare the rapacious pricing of those simple extruded toys.
Next, I’ll review the other toy they sent: the “Audacious Sucking Pro Vibrating Blow Job Masturbator.”
Spoiler: I’m sticking with my non-electronic masturbators for my sex toy needs, for the time being.