I know what you’re saying. HUH?!?
Remember Willow? I haven’t written much about her, but here’s what you need to know about her:
- Preternaturally fun – always smiling, laughing, giggling.
- Still, serious. Smart. Adventurous.
- Nearly flat-chested.
- A mouth for the ages. (Described very briefly here.)
Willow – unique, among my long-term sexual partners over the years – didn’t want my cum in her mouth. This always seemed strange to me, given her general… insouciance… but hey, mine is not to wonder why. In any event, it seemed that, to make up for her preference not just not to swallow, but not even to taste cum (or at least, I should say, my cum), Willow had made herself a fucking master of the (my) frenulum. I used to joke with her that, with her, I came like a girl, because she understood that my frenulum is my clit. It’s true. Willow would spend long periods of time attending to my frenulum, licking, flicking, sucking, licking, flicking, sucking, and, inevitably, I would come. And hard. And an orgasm had via frenulum is entirely unlike an orgasm that comes from friction on my shaft and head. I know the “vaginal”/”clitoral” orgasm myth has, largely, been debunked. And/but…. I think that, for me, the vast majority of orgasms I have are the male equivalent of what people used to mean when they described “vaginal” orgasms – a sort of deep, and deeply genital, sensation. A frenulum orgasm, though, feels completely different: vibrating, full-body, tingling. Not deep, almost like an overwhelmingly joyous, not funny tickling?
A while ago, I wrote my first-ever sex toy review. First, actually, I wrote about sex toys for straight men, more generally. And then I wrote about the Fleshlight – a $100 or so simulated vagina. The tl;dr version of that review is – I don’t really get the idea of making it look creepily like a vagina, but man, does that thing fuck. And, it’s super-easy to clean up, to boot.
Well. A day or three after I wrote that post, I heard from the good folks at Loma. I never had heard of them before, but I heard from “Dami”: “Our brand Loma is the company behind Glam, the #1 dating app in South Korea (like Tinder). With exciting growth, we’ve developed a new line of business for premium adult toys for [sic] – soon to launch in the US this coming fall.” Would I like to review them, she asked?
She told me their two most popular products are the “Loma Candle Pure” and the “Loma Muffin Papaya.” I went to each product’s respective page, and thought, “Hmm.”
A while later, two unmarked packages arrived, and out came my newest toys. I looked at the Muffin. I took it out of its (tiny) box. I thought, “Huh?”
I read the directions, looked around the web site for guidance. It was hard, at least initially, for me to get a sense of just how this thing was supposed to work. It’s a little purple… muffin… with a small hole in the bottom. I dialed up some memories, and some fantasies, and some porn. I got myself hard, filled the muffin with a little lube, and wrestled it onto my cock. Just the tip, really. The muffin is no more than two inches from top to bottom. My cock is small. Or at least, it’s definitely not big. Once I stretched the (latex?) enough to accommodate my cock, and pulled it down, it looked a little like… Um. It looked a little like my cock was wearing a cute, little, purple, chef’s toque.
What, I wondered, was I supposed to do now? I started stroking it up and down a little, in one hand. Pulling the bottom part down my shaft a bit, stretching the top bit as I did so taut over my head. And back again. That felt good. Not, “I’m going to come” good. More like, “Hmm, that feels sort of interesting,” good.
I did that some more, and I watched some more porn. (I was watching an X-Art video – “Threesomes: How to do it [sic] without getting burned” – click here for a tease of it). I stroked a bit, pulled a bit, pushed a bit. I was a bit mystified. And then, I discovered the twist. I turned it, just a bit, with one hand, and suddenly, I remembered Willow’s tongue. I took my left hand, and used my two hands together to roll the muffin back and forth, and suddenly, suddenly, I was being transported back to the sensations of Willow’s tongue on my frenulum. Not perfectly so: Willow was hyper-focused; the Muffin Papaya surrounds the whole head of my cock with sensations, as I twist it. Still, and all, it didn’t take too much more two-handed twisting (two hands less convenient than one, I suppose, for porn viewing, but worked just fine for me), and I filled the tiny muffin with my cum.
Super interesting. Much more of that frenulum/clitoral orgasm than the full-on fucking sensation of the Fleshbot. Much more vibratory. And pretty damned fun. (Also? The thing is listed at $9 on their web site?!? Buy a bunch!) Damn.
I cleaned it by turning it inside out, rinsing it thoroughly, then washing it with dish soap, then turning it back, and leaving it sitting in its convenient “muffin tin,” which is perforated on the bottom to allow easy drying. Which brings it to the biggest way in which it excels over the Fleshlight: looks. The muffin could sit on my desk, or in my kitchen, or wherever, and no one would ever know what it is; no one would look twice. And, it dries really easily.
As easy as the Fleshlight is to clean, it’s a fucking bear to dry, unless you hang the pussy tube from a shower rod. And, since it’s huge, and unsightly, you have to dry it somewhere relatively private.
The Loma Muffin, then, wins the prize for “easiest sex toy to own.” Keeping it around, cleaning it, drying it – no problem. No muss, no fuss. And, it’s just kinda… cool. I like it. And I expect I may get me another one or two. (I wonder if the different flavors/patterns/colors really do feel all that different? I sort of imagine no, but I’ll be curious to learn. Dami – you wanna send me more? 😉 )
I haven’t gotten to the Candle Pure yet. I haven’t even unboxed it. That one looks more like a direct competitor to the Fleshlight. We shall see….