If I’m honest, “rough sex” confuses me.
I’m capable of rough-ish sex. I can spank, slap, throw around, etc. But truth is, it goes against everything in my soul to do so, and I’m slightly baffled by the whole thing. When I put Rose to use, I know that she has a hankering for a little more roughness than I generally can muster. The same was true with V, and with L. It’s a sort of a chronic irony: while I’m exquisitely dominant, asserting control and demanding compliance at every step of the way, and while I deliver on the promise of dominance in spades, I don’t always deliver on the promise of roughness.
A couple of times, I’ve had sex that was accompanied by some significant anger. There was the time I was frustrated with limitations that had been placed on my use of V. There was another time or two, here or there, with someone or other. But the truth is, for reasons that are obscure to me, I go to pretty great lengths to protect the women I have sex with from my anger, my rage, my violence.
When I’m having sex with a woman, I’m almost always feeling tender toward her, wanting her pleasure, her delight. Yes, the way I often manage this is through her submission, by using her to deliver pleasure to me. But over the years, as I’ve learned to spank, hit, toss, push, bruise, mark, whip, and flog, it’s always been from what is, ultimately, a position of sensuality. Almost never from one of anger, aggression, rage.
It’s a little early for New Year’s resolutions, but here’s a goal for the near term: I want to understand why I’m so scared of my anger, so invested in protecting women from it. And, I want to loosen my relationship to it a bit, so that you and I both can enjoy some hard, violent, rough sex.