Nov 292012
 

I have a friend. Like many women – like most women I know, horrifyingly – she’s been raped. Like even more (I can’t substantiate that with a citation, but I believe it to be true), she has the occasional rape fantasy. Though her “fantasy” is really just that – having been through the real thing, she has no particular hankering to role play it again.

The other day, we were discussing this fantasy. Have I, she asked, ever played out such a fantasy?

“Nope,” I said.

Not only haven’t I, but I don’t imagine I could, or would – at least not today. Not because I “disapprove.” No, honestly, I wish I could. I think that, when I find my sex surrogate, maybe that’ll be part of my therapy. Definitely, that’ll be part of my therapy….

In the mean time, though, for me, the whole thing about rape fantasies is precisely what I find so challenging about the basic act of fucking in general: it’s aggressive, violent. I’m many cases, the woman’s pleasure isn’t just secondary to the endeavor; it’s inimical to it. Rape heightens those aspects of the act of sex. And all the sex I find most compelling actually minimizes those aspects.

It’s why I’m often not the most satisfying fucking partner: if what you want is to be fucked hard, I can do that, generally, for a bit. But often, it’s a quick path to a lost erection for me. Not because I don’t like fucking you – I do – but because all of the associations I have with hard fucking – including the aforementioned aggression and violence – are affirmatively turn-offs to me. If I’m going to fuck you long, it’s probably not going to be hard. It’s most likely going to be with you on top, or, if in an/other position/s, interspersed with lots of oral. It’s almost as if I need the reassurance of intimacy in order to keep going. I’m just a sensitive new age guy.

Yet another reason I’m not a great swinger (see yesterday’s post on how I’m not a swinger): swingers (guy swingers) are supposed to show up with a hard-on that never quits, and they’re supposed to fuck all night long, anyone who comes their way. That’s just not how I roll. As I’ve written all over this blog, I don’t actually want to fuck anyone and everyone. I want to know you, to like you, AND to be attracted to you, before I’ll fuck you.

And then? I’ll fuck you all night long. If, by fuck, you mean, fuck, suck, lick, flick, finger, gnaw, tickle, spank, push, pull….

But rape you? I don’t know…. That’s a whole ‘nother thing.

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  29 Responses to “Rape fantasies”

  1. I’ve been wanting to comment on this and some of your other posts but haven’t had a chance to type at length.

    I’ve always had fantasies about domination and enjoyed it. Many women do, and I think many rape fantasies originate from the same place. it’s less about rape than about letting go fully and enjoying the experience without guilt. At least I think it begins that way–with a lot of social conditioning about being a good girl, not having sex, and about the socialization of femininity (the knight in shining armor, female passivity, etc). I wonder if that will change or has changed with feminism. Of course, a lot of men enjoy being Dommed as well, but is that from a different psychosexual origin? Or for both sexes, is some of it imprinted or dictated by our genetics?

    Rape fantasies that originate from sexual trauma are generally a way of working things out and having them end safely in a safe place, of exploring what happened and changing the ending. And, general submission tendencies or trauma aside, there’s a lot of unconscious stuff that probably just can’t be fully explained.

    Wanted sexual aggression by someone you want to have sex with and wouldn’t say no to if he asked (and would actually give an enthusiastic yes to), someone who really is not going to harm you, is quite a bit different from having a stranger break in to your home with a ski mask or holding you at gunpoint smelling like he’s not had a bath in a few months and not knowing what exactly will transpire or how badly it will end.

    Rape should make men squirmy–not just because it’s illegal, but because of damaging another in ways that are unpredictable and deep. Even play can be dangerous for both if the dominant partner misreads and is not cued in to distress (even though they may want to be and are trying to be). Even with the most extreme dominance and submission there’s got to be consent, and consent which can be revoked, which doesn’t really make it rape, even though that’s what one partner’s fantasy may be. But playing doctor and patient or cop and bad girl or teacher and college student also fits into the same place–it’s really not that because those things are appropriately illegal.

    It does sound like you have a fear of harming women, thus your preference for oral sex and maybe the reason for your preference that she be on top. That’s not a bad thing–if only other men had that fear or reservation! However, if it’s holding you back from what you both want, then exploring may lead to some new discoveries. But only if you want to–otherwise it’s not consent. Men shouldn’t be pushed into sexual practices they don’t really want to do or aren’t comfortable with either.

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    • This is an awesome, thoughtful response. I’ll be writing more in the coming days, but I think that, for me, there’s something in my fear of aggression that I need to unpack further. Is it that I’m scared I’ll actually harm a woman? That I WANT to harm a woman? That I’m scared she’ll harm me? All this is ripe for just about infinite exploration.

      Thanks so much for deploying your wisdom here….

      N.

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  2. But second paragraph–it’s not just about guilt, though that may be part of its origins. I just enjoy feeling someone’s strength and reassurance and being take care of for those hours. (And of course, only when I want it or come to want it–if my answer is or remains a no, I wouldn’t want actual rape, thus it really is fantasy.) The world’s not a safe place, and it’s nice to feel that way in someone’s arms. Someone can safely control me but not harm me–it makes it easier to trust. A display of strength or masculinity. Mmph.

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  3. Very thought-provoking post! I particularly appreciated your comment about how ‘I want to know you, to like you, AND to be attracted to you, before I’ll fuck you,’ as I work much the same way.

    I am now musing on the variety of rape fantasies out there, and how my own have changed and altered over the years. I have always had fantasies where my consent isn’t asked, and I am simply a body to be taken/holes to be filled. However these days mine don’t tend to fall into the ‘stranger breaking in’, but rather that ‘dominant partner giving me to strangers to be used’.

    Where that hurts my head? I only love fucking people I’m attracted to mentally and have gotten to know (as mentioned above). And yet, if they’re involved in the process – even if it’s a fantasy – of passing me off to strangers? Somehow that makes the non-consent and the strangers using me profoundly hot to me.

    I’m going to have to unpack this some more myself. Time to do some thinking …

    xx Dee

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    • I have been thinking about the same thing a lot recently. Except in the “other” position, as the dominant one offering my wife to strangers. The thought of strangers “taking” my wife without my consent is not what arouses me, at all. It’s the making of the offer, the “allowing” my wife to be taken, to be in charge and somewhat probably the inducer, the giver of pleasure (even when through someone else’s body).
      And on her side, it’s the trust towards me that allows us to dabble in this fantasy and slowly working towards making it a reality (baby steps, but steps nonetheless). This trust is crucial to us both, me knowing what kind of strangers/action gets her off, what lust is still hidden and waiting to be unearthed within her.

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      • It’s the making of the offer, the “allowing” my wife to be taken, to be in charge and somewhat probably the inducer, the giver of pleasure (even when through someone else’s body). *wipes forehead* Holy heck – that hits my buttons hard! Those are the things I hope m’Lady is thinking of when we discuss such things…

        I think I’m going to have to share this post and comments with hir now, because I am dead curious to know what zie thinks.

        xx Dee

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        • I love it when my commenters get my readers off….

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        • We’d love to make that happen sometime soon in this big city we all live in. The places must exist! Even when hard to find. As much as we enjoy the very friendly and open-minded nature of the regular swing-party/club, something darker would be wished for, every now and then. Anyone care to share how to get there?
          Oh, and Dee, let us know how this unfolds further. N. has my email.

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      • This is so fascinating to me – it’s so foreign. Maybe, because I’m so selfish. I want her to do this for ME – to recruit a team of women to rape ME – but I think I’d just be overwhelmed with envy in the scenario you paint.

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        • Late reply, sorry for that.

          As to your point about envy, I do get it. I deal(t) with it, experience(d) it. The scenario you describe is quite intriguing, but just one of the scenarios to play out. The one I posted above is another one, one that does more for me, actually. The sexual act itself is such a small part of my sexual pleasure (although, still pretty darn big), the added mind-games – for the lack of a better word – are what makes this a surplus fantasy (and maybe soon a reality?). The knowing on my part, the insecurity on hers, the being overwhelmed and trying to deal with all that sexual aggression.
          As for the envy, the sex in the weeks following to playing out such a scenario will more than make up for the “lack” of sexual intercourse during it. The awoken hunger, the boundaries (some are pushed) that fly out the window, the sexual prowess of my lady is oh so very fucking hot..
          In no way does involve this fantasy a humiliation aspect on my part, otherwise it quickly dives into a catastrophic area.
          But yes, the brain, the little fucker; it’s so very powerful, much more than just physical stimulation. For me at least.

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