I have a friend. Like many women – like most women I know, horrifyingly – she’s been raped. Like even more (I can’t substantiate that with a citation, but I believe it to be true), she has the occasional rape fantasy. Though her “fantasy” is really just that – having been through the real thing, she has no particular hankering to role play it again.
The other day, we were discussing this fantasy. Have I, she asked, ever played out such a fantasy?
“Nope,” I said.
Not only haven’t I, but I don’t imagine I could, or would – at least not today. Not because I “disapprove.” No, honestly, I wish I could. I think that, when I find my sex surrogate, maybe that’ll be part of my therapy. Definitely, that’ll be part of my therapy….
In the mean time, though, for me, the whole thing about rape fantasies is precisely what I find so challenging about the basic act of fucking in general: it’s aggressive, violent. I’m many cases, the woman’s pleasure isn’t just secondary to the endeavor; it’s inimical to it. Rape heightens those aspects of the act of sex. And all the sex I find most compelling actually minimizes those aspects.
It’s why I’m often not the most satisfying fucking partner: if what you want is to be fucked hard, I can do that, generally, for a bit. But often, it’s a quick path to a lost erection for me. Not because I don’t like fucking you – I do – but because all of the associations I have with hard fucking – including the aforementioned aggression and violence – are affirmatively turn-offs to me. If I’m going to fuck you long, it’s probably not going to be hard. It’s most likely going to be with you on top, or, if in an/other position/s, interspersed with lots of oral. It’s almost as if I need the reassurance of intimacy in order to keep going. I’m just a sensitive new age guy.
Yet another reason I’m not a great swinger (see yesterday’s post on how I’m not a swinger): swingers (guy swingers) are supposed to show up with a hard-on that never quits, and they’re supposed to fuck all night long, anyone who comes their way. That’s just not how I roll. As I’ve written all over this blog, I don’t actually want to fuck anyone and everyone. I want to know you, to like you, AND to be attracted to you, before I’ll fuck you.
And then? I’ll fuck you all night long. If, by fuck, you mean, fuck, suck, lick, flick, finger, gnaw, tickle, spank, push, pull….
But rape you? I don’t know…. That’s a whole ‘nother thing.