As I’ve been thinking about my core, peak fantasy, I’ve been thinking also about the narrow range in which my fantasies occur. There’s a small number of attributes of all my fantasies. They feature clothing, they feature public and private time, they feature my overarching control, they feature oral rather than penetrative sex, and they feature time—long expanses of time with an orgasm as the end of the fantasy. That said, the way they operate today relative to how they operated years ago seems to represent a kind of developmental progress, in a way.
More than fifteen years ago, at the peak of my addicted, compulsive, insane descent, I organized a procession of iterations of the core fantasy I’ve spent so much time thinking about, writing about, talking about, in these pages. As I’m moving slowly toward a revisitation of those fantasies in real life, I can’t help but reflect on some of the similarities and some of the differences between then and now, and on how I’ve progressed.
First, the similarities: the fantasy itself is virtually unchanged. The excitement I imagine, the anticipation, it all turns on the same attributes, the same variables. The same imagined anticipation and sensations. All of it. It feels eerily unchanged, like it’s somehow cast in amber.
But my stance, my posture, is so different. So much more relaxed and joyful. So much less driven and anxious. Back then it felt like, “If I don’t do this, if I don’t succeed, if it isn’t perfect, I face existential peril!” I genuinely was terrified things wouldn’t go perfectly. Of course they never did. But my definition of reality, or at least one of my definitions of it, is “the distance between what happens inside my mind and body and what happens outside in the world.” Or maybe that’s not my definition of the word, but back then, it was the definition of my suffering.
Now, my relationship to reality is restored. Not restored – new. I don’t need my fantasy to be any particular way. I don’t need things to go the way I wish. It’s almost the opposite. Like, my preferences are information, they’re data. And so are the differences between reality and my preferences, and my reactions to those differences. This feels like real developmental progress – a real developmental triumph – for me.
And….
It feels to me like it might be interesting to omit, invert, or alter some or all of those recurring elements as I formulate additional fantasies going forward. Examples might include my submitting rather than dominating or controlling, my dressing being directed, my actions and movements being controlled, my coming early or multiple times or never.
I like controlling women’s orgasms. It might be interesting to give a woman control of my orgasm.
I like being restrained, being bound, being blindfolded, being gagged. I don’t have any impulse to resist or to fight back, but I like my range of motion being diminished or eliminated.
So many of my fantasies feature multiples. None feature multiples of men. It would be interesting to see if I couldn’t unearth some configuration of multiple men that might excite me. What immediately comes to mind, of course, is vanquishment, triumph, victory. Sometimes that’s present implicitly in my fantasies, though rarely is it explicit.
Just some thoughts….
And, three images:
I asked ChatGPT, “Create an image that depicts the developmental progress of an infant growing into a toddler into an adolescent into a young man into a middle-aged man.” This is what it came up with (after a few abortive attempts that featured confused text). And, I suppose, including the abortion oddly depicted in the third character.
I asked MidJourney as well, and this is what it came up with:
Gotta love A.I.!