I write rough. I write about “fucking faces,” and so on. But I’ve come to notice that there’s a distance between what happens in my sex life and how I write about it, and wherever there are such differences, I like to, well, to write about them. So here goes:
When I write the phrase, “I fucked her face,” it’s almost always shorthand for “my cock was in her mouth and, in addition to her moving her lips, her tongue, her head, I also was moving my hips, thrusting, and possibly also holding her head, or her hair, and pushing or pulling – usually gently, or at least in a manner which respects her comfort and desires.” It was well into my thirties – with Amy – that I first even placed my hands on a woman’s head and did anything other than caress. And the few times that I’ve done anything like bona fide, full-on face-fucking, you know what’s happened? The woman has thrown up. Like, not just gagged, but vomited. And call me crazy, but that’s enough of a turn-off to make me keep my distance.
I posture as a dom, as a selfish (and in so being, generous) sex partner, and I think that, for the most part, this is true. But I’m not a sadist by any stretch, and nothing I’ve ever done has been done for any reason other than that I thought it would bring BOTH me and my partner off. There’s a thin, and often misunderstood, line between being dominant and being sadistic. I’m dominant, in that I’m bossy, want to be in control, to set the agenda, to control the progress, to get my way. But at no point do I wish my partner to be anything other than thrilled, delighted, orgasmic, in ecstasy.
So why then do I write sentences like, “I fucked her face,” and enjoy porn like the porn of Sasha Grey’s that I posted?
On the second question, I think it’s all about attitude: I don’t find it hot to watch a woman in evident discomfort. At all. If anything, the opposite: the parts of that video where Sasha Grey looks like she’s suffering through it are parts through which I actually must suffer, too, alongside her.
No, what’s hot to me about that video isn’t the sex, it’s in the mind: it’s that her enthusiasm is so unbridled that she’s able, willing to do what she’s able and willing to do, that she’s so devoted to her partner’s pleasure that she offers herself up to him. It’s not what he chooses to do with her, it’s that she takes pleasure in whatever it may be, as evidenced by how extreme what it is, is.
And on the first question – why do I wrote those words? I think, honestly, it’s because I believe that’s what most of the women I like to fuck, like to be with, want to hear (and, in most cases, not what they actually want to do). Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they want to hear that what I want is to lie back, to relax, while, for hours, a woman dedicates herself to my pleasure with her hands and lips and tongue and throat. To do absolutely nothing. Except, maybe, finger her, or lick her cunt at the same time. Or watch her finger herself, or use a vibrator on herself, to make herself cum, all while my cock remains front and center for her.
But sex – like blogging – is to a large extent theater, as is power exchange. And what really gets me off, more than anything, is being handed power. I’m trustworthy with it, and don’t need to go to extremes to persuade myself of the value or sincerity of the gift. So in the theater of sex, in the theater of writing, this all plays itself out a bit differently: I write rougher than I fuck to demonstrate what is communicated very effectively with less extreme behavior in the bedroom (or kitchen, or hotel room, or bar, or bathroom, or field).
How about you? Do you like it rough? As rough as in that clip? Why? What’s it do for you?
I am baffled. It’s down to taste I know, gender, maybe. But the clip was, well, not rough I didn’t think. To me it felt choreographed and moved along in a way that was almost predictable. Move to table, turnover, cut to floor, slap and look up… I’ve written about this. There is something too much of theatre about professional porn as opposed to amateur porn. It’s all too perfect, the bodies too stereotypical, the moves plod along from one set piece to another, it’s all very neat and I find that lack of reality means I am too detached to consider it as more than, well, acting out moves; like a dance almost. I so didn’t see it the way you do; passionate, rough, enthusiastic. I saw none of those things.
Nor do I presume to know if any writer is writing as s/he does or simply as s/he thinks. (Well, perhaps in one instance I make a good guess.) But when reading a stranger I assume the writing is a mix of imagination, literary skill, some idealisation maybe, but always it is an interpretation not an exact representation. It is like comparing a painting of a cake with the real thing. Both can be enjoyable in their own way but the experience is very different.
I don’t like rough – assertive, but not rough. And I don’t like verbal abuse. Verbal expletives all good, but not abuse. I talked about this too in your challenge. I like a man to take the lead. Down to inexperience, confidence maybe. Just my thing.
I have not seen the clip nor do I plan on watching it because watching it does not get me off in any way. Rough sex MIGHT get me off depending on who I’m fucking. I think rough sex ( the face fucking kind) is reserved for people I emotionally connect with .If it’s someone I’m attracted to but only kinda like, there is no way in hell I’m going there.I don’t care if there’s insane attraction going on between that person and I.
I think your blog has a roughness to it for sure, it’s your “thing”. Who knows if you’re actually rough in bed, but I like to think that you are. You’re the main character in this blog and in my head you’re rough in bed, you writing about making gentle love would throw me off.
I think there’s a huge distance between “making gentle love” and making a woman throw up by filling her throat with my cock. And yes, the roughness is here, and in me, to be sure. What I was writing about, exploring, was the difference between the roughness in writing and the roughness in person. Not that I’m not rough, but that it’s different in person.
I like it a bit rough. I want to be spanked a little, pinched from time to time, bitten a lot. Being physically restrained a bit feels good to me. Throw me around some in order to “make” me do what you want, and I get off on it. But “face-fucking” isn’t something I enjoy, and the image of it turns me off, as well. Don’t get me wrong–a little deep-throating that involves a bit of gagging is perfectly welcome. The moment has to be really “right” in order for what I think we both agree “face-fucking” means to be especially hot.
What do I get out of it? The small, focused amount of pain I get from having a nipple bitten, for example, releases endorphins or adrenaline or something, and it sends me to orgasm more quickly, and often with more intensity. Mix it with some perfect pitch dirty talking and there’s ecstacy.
In contrast, I might write gentler than we fuck because, and this is the first time I’m thinking of it, it doesn’t seem “appropriate.” But why the fuck not? It’s what I like, not every time, but it’s what I like and I really fucking enjoy it.
Thanks for your (as ever) thoughtful comment. I’m looking forward to exploring the distance between how I fuck and how I write about my fucking more in the coming days. I think there’s gold in them thar hills….
There’s just no suspension of disbelief. It’s a total conundrum. How can anyone be truly “forced” when they have the commanders penis between their teeth?
Oh Liza, your first two paragraphs took my thoughts and put them into words. I’ve been thinking about this post for a couple of days, but as someone who has difficulty in articulating my thoughts & feelings I was at a loss. So, thank you Liza for your comment. And Nick, thank you for the thoughtful post.
By the way, I came across this link which perfectly sums up the type of face-fucking I’d welcome: http://t.co/Kl5j1AmF
FWIW, I pretty much agree with Liza here. In a different universe…..
Face-fucking is, to me, far more vigorous than simple cock-in-mouth oral sex. It’s almost by definition not gentle, but isn’t necessarily aggressive, though it is, I think, commonly seen as such. I find it a particularly potent trigger of submission, for reasons I’ve only partially figured out.
Your questioning of the difference between what you write and what you do seems to me to be addressing the same issue of distance which you’ve explored in earlier posts, though from a slightly different angle. Without in any way wanting to imply that it’s not arousing, I have to say that the roughness or not of your writing is almost irrelevant. What comes through clearly is control (need to/desire for/exercise of); that, plus the almost-detached tone, is incredibly hot to me.
What this post made me think about most, though, is the whole question of “rough sex”. I happen to like sex that is very physical, and yes, sometimes it’s rough. To me it’s the natural consequence of a tomboy, rough-and-tumble childhood: I liked playing rough then and I like playing rough now.
What I don’t like and what disturbs me a great deal is that these days, many people seem to equate d/s with rough sex. And further, what they mean by rough sex is what I think of as abusive: using sexual acts to show contempt.
Nothing you have said or, I suspect, done indicates that your idea of rough sex is something that’s degrading to your partner, nor that it’s how you channel your dominance. So I say keep writing as you have been!
As for the porn clip…I watch very little porn – virtually none – and I can’t even begin to make a worthwhile comment about it. I did find it hard to be serious about a guy who reminded me of Michael Cera.
Damn. This comment is too thoughtful. I keep meaning to reply, but then not having the time, or energy, to engage. The bottom line is, I’m glad you find my writing hot, and agree with what you say about rough sex and BDSM. It’s late, and I want to go to bed, but I didn’t want to let more time pass before saying, “Thanks for the comment.” Thanks for the comment!