Question

“Would you say you use women, or do you not see it that way?”

I do. And I don’t.

Early on, I told Isabel that I wanted to “use” her for my pleasure. It rubbed her wrong. I haven’t said it since, to her. Rose clearly craves my “using” her. She wants to be seen, treated, used, as a collection of holes for my pleasure. Sofia gets off on being used by me, even at a distance.

“Use” is a complex concept. In its negative sense, it implies a certain disregard and carelessness that is, honestly, quite far from my sexual relationships. I care for the women with whom I interact, and treat them kindly and with respect, universally. There are men – and women – who “use” their partners and discard them, who hurt them thoughtlessly, who treat them truly as objects. And while Rose may well wish to be treated as an object in our interactions, she surely doesn’t want to be discarded, disregarded, except in the context of those interactions. In other words, I can degrade and abuse her, but I have to do it in a way that respects her, fundamentally. I wouldn’t dream of doing it, otherwise.

My experience of “use” is that it is more often I who am used in that negative way than the women I “use.” Women with whom I interact on Tinder, for example, often disappear wordlessly, in the middle of making plans, or turn 180 degrees mid-conversation to denounce me as reprobate (but only after having gotten what they wanted from me).

So, in answer to your question, no, I don’t think I “use” women in the way I think (am I right?) you mean.