Some months ago, Liza and I were chatting about writing ideas, and I suggested she write about something that turns most people on, but that doesn’t work for her. I think that the post that followed was this one, but I’m not certain – she may not have taken the assignment. We often trade ideas, and we often let some of them languish. (Right now, for instance, I’m sitting on a post I’ve started, but not completed, on the process by which “trust” is established between me and women with whom I connect virtually – a.k.a. “tweeties.”)
In any event, although I’ve written a fair amount about what turns me on, what turns me off, and my unusual relationship to the act of fucking, just last night, it occurred to me….
Yesterday, a “distant buddy” of mine wrote, “Record something for me. Please? Talk dirty.” I read her request, and gulped.
Source: HeebI don’t really like talking dirty. I don’t really like being talked dirty to. This is ironic, of course, because I fucking love writing dirty, and being written dirty to. I even occasionally write about talking dirty. But in the moment? If you start talking to me about your pussy? About my cock? It’s a struggle for me to take you seriously, to stay in the moment. Ditto with my speech. You want me to tell you what I’m going to do to you? That I’m going to pound you so hard with my cock that you’ll be sore? That I love it when you suck my cock? To call you “bitch,” or “slut” or “whore”? All that is really hard for me.
Again – this is in the category of stuff that I want to be better at, so I try. And the truth is, I think I’m not bad at it – it’s just that not only does it not come naturally to me, but it’s not that fun for me. I know that I’m missing out, and I suspect that at least one of the causes for my struggling with it is connected to the issues I discussed in this post – I think articulating words that have hostility or violence (“bitch,” “slut,” “whore”) embedded in them is just a little bit close to areas that scare me. The truth is, I don’t want to call you names when I’m fucking you.
But she asked, and so I tried.
So I keep trying, and I will keep trying. If you have suggestions, I’m all ears.
I don’t talk much. Sex is a shy space for me still and whilst I don’t have issues with ‘dirty’ words (possibly because I swear quite a lot anyway) I do have issues with violent or angry words, not my thing. And that’s the point. Sexual fantasy is just that. If it takes you to a place where real negative experiences kick in then the bubble bursts pretty damn fast. It’s about trust maybe which takes time to build.
Ooh look. No avatar! Will login with twitter next time. Forgot you’d dumped disqus 🙂
Sorry about that. I’m missing Disqus – would love your/others’ thoughts. Do you prefer life with or without it?
For sure. I guess for me, though, it’s not that it’s a “real negative” place that talking dirty takes me, but rather, a slightly uncomfortable place, a place I’d like to be more comfortable, and a place my discomfort with which I find interesting, intriguing, curious.
I’ve never thought “talking dirty” equaled using derogatory terms. Like your comparison between D/s and S&M, they’re not the same, although there may be crossover for some people.
Totally agree. I find both ways of talking dirty challenging, the degrading stuff more so than the simply dirty. But they’re two different things that I erroneously linked together.
Yeah, talking dirty is a hang up for me. Yes, I swear like a sailor sometimes but talking dirty in bed??? Not my thing. Too busy being in the moment.
Now oddly, nothing gets me hotter than when H whispers in my ear everything he’s going to do to my body. But he doesn’t call me names, etc…and that would be a big turn off for me. I get why some women want to be called slut, dirty whore, etc…but that’s not how I’m wired.
Even when I’m reading good erotica, my mind kinda skips over those name calling words. I find it interesting that I can just ignore it.
Btw N, loved your previous post but too shy/intimidated to comment.
Thanks, both for the comment, and for the kind words about the previous post. 😉
N.,
For me, the hurdle in ‘talking dirty’ is the weirdness of the sound of my own voice. I don’t talk very much, so hearing myself speak is always a jolt. This is hard enough in non-sexual but not routine contexts, such as giving a presentation or doing an interview. In a sexual context, it’s virtually impossible for me to do with any degree of ease, or at all really. I do love hearing it, though.
What do you love about hearing it?
I don’t get into dirty talk if I can see the person. If we’re physically together, I’d rather be doing it than telling you what I’m going to do. If I can see you on Skype, I’d rather watch you doing your thing than talk about what we would do if we were together. It’s really only when we’re writing back and forth or talking on the phone that I like to hear and want to contribute dirty talk.
But they’re not mutually exclusive: you can do it and tell about it, or augment it, no?
We talk dirty. Not always, but often. My dirty words often help him come, especially if I’m really descriptive. Our words aren’t typically degrading. They’re more appreciative and full of desire.
This at least I get intellectually. Degrading, I just don’t get. I mean, I know that for many, it feels GOOD to feel dirty, slutty, whore-ish, etc. I just don’t get it.
Talking dirty is a part of my training, just something many men like so it’s in the “handbook” . It’s not my favorite activity, I don’t swear at all in normal conversation. To arrouse someone else though, to give pleasure, then it’s totally worth it and a skill to hone accordingly 🙂 Being called names or talked dirty to, I think it’s a perception thing. Most of the subs I know have some real “bondage” issues when it comes to being uninhibited sexually. the names “whore”, “bitch” or “slut” act like keys to their freedom. They can freely experience what, in their minds, they shouldn’t even enjoy. I don’t like vulgarity in bed, but I love the anticipation of being told what’s going to be done to me so Master D is very creative with his words. I have to admit though that I love being called his “slut kitten”. It’s a recognition of his ownership of my sexuality. *purr*
I think you’re right about those “keys,” and I’m curious as to how they work.
I’ll have to think about that and blog on it sometime soon. Love exploring what it is that makes the mind “turn on” the body. 🙂
You and me both. I look forward to reading your thoughts.
Thoughts have been posted 🙂
And replied to….