One of the funny things about the demimonde in which this blog exists – and the various demimondes in which I exist as N. Likes (Twitter, Google+, Tumblr, as well as OKCupid, SwingLifeStyle, and Craigslist) – is that there’s this simultaneous openness and honesty and complete secrecy. Many of us who exist in this demimonde do so pseudonymously. We rely on a certain type of anonymity in order to facilitate our honesty, our disclosure, our fun.
There’s something a bit disheartening, a bit disequilibratiing, about this to me. I end up feeling that there are these two authentic “me”s, each existing almost entirely detached from the other. Sure, N’ – the alter-ego for N. – has some friends, family, who know of the existence of N. Likes. Some know that my wife and I are monogamish, some know that I have a blog, some know both. But there’s no one – well, really, there are (I think) six people – who know/s both N. Likes and his alter ego.
I often find myself wondering about how this all works for other people: part of what is so liberating about blogging, about sharing myself in this way with you, is that prior to this, the universe of people with whom I was completely honest about my desires, about my sexuality, was confined to my wife and my shrink. And my wife only joined the crowd relatively recently.
For people who don’t blog, who aren’t exhibitionistic in the way that Violet & Rye, and Liza, and L, and I are, how do you handle the dysjunction between public you and private you? Is it “enough” for you to be “seen” sexually by just one or two other people? Do you crave more? Does the contrast between public you and private you rankle, cause discomfort, as it does for me? Or is it easy for you to tolerate? I’m curious….
I thought blogging would help reconcile the divide between what I feel I can share with real-life friends/family and what I can’t. In some ways it has, in that I have a forum to write about and discuss all the sexy shit filling my brain. But mostly it hasn’t. The chasm between the 2 feels greater, as those who only know the “secret” me can’t know too much about the real me, and vice versa.
Ditto what Liza said. ‘Course, I often feel that there are a world of “me-s”, not just two… (Professional, Parent, Friend, Daughter..blah blah blah) The crossover between these two just have stronger potential repercussions.
Ah, but you like courting those repercussions, don’t you?
For me, it both medicates and exacerbates the divide. I haven’t yet figured out which more – I think medicates….
I know you asked for the non-blogger opinion, but I’ll share mine, anyway.
I sometimes find the dichotomy frustrating, but more often find it comfortable. I like my privacy and I prefer certain things kept segregated.
For example, I do not keep my sexual life private from most friends and family for fear of judgement, but for fear of TMI… both giving and getting. I have already learned more than I care to about my parents’ sex lives and my siblings’ sex lives. Telling them what I do would encourage them to share even more about themselves. I know it is narrow-minded and deliberately delusional of me, but… ick.
Also, I have dealt often enough with people viewing me as a sex object first and a contributor second. Not to overly flatter myself, but I am an attractive woman, and I sometimes dress in attention-getting clothes. This is not as true so much nowadays, because I tend to dress less “attractively” now, but I used to deal with people who rather blatantly hoped to fuck me rather than respected me. I even had a couple of people who originally respected me, then learned some things about my sexual experiences, and suddenly changed their view of me from “respected equal” to “fucktoy.” It is not a pleasant change.
Plus, so much for us is still changing and being determined. The more people who know, the more who either need to be updated or have out-of-date information… or operate on incomplete information. I would rather that they operate on very simple information — SwingBot and I are a couple — rather than on more detailed information — we are a couple who plays with others, and used to have those rules, but have these rules now…
Particularly because of the first two reasons, I prefer to bring “vanilla” aspects into my “kink” side than introduce “kink” into my “vanilla” life. However, there are plenty of “kink” resources out there — forums, local groups, blogs — that let me establish the “kink” connection and then let it include some “vanilla” flavoring.
However, yes, there are times that it is frustrating to not freely say something kink-related in a sort-of appropriate vanilla context. There are already plenty of times that SwingBot and I giggle at something a vanilla friend says, but are unable to share the joke. I suspect that this will only continue as we establish ourselves further in kink, and that slips will sometimes occur.
Wow, sorry for basically composing a blog post to answer.
Thanks for this! It’s really thoughtful, and smart.
Obviously, I respect people’s boundaries, and have no desire to over-share/TMI, as giver or recipient. I guess really what I mean is something a little different: I have a bunch of friends with whom, honestly, I’d love to be a bit more open about sex, in both directions, but the structural and conventional obstacles are huge. I lament that. That’s all….
But awesome reply!
I would like the private me to get out a lot more. I come from a very conservative family and though I do make it known that I don’t agree with their conservative ways I wish they knew about my “darker” more sexually open side. It bothers me that they don’t know more about it because I fear I’m only accepted because they dont really know much.
Sometimes though ( like now) it’s nice knowing I have this other ‘me’. The girl who reads dirty blogs and watches porn. It’s so different from the girl that most people know. The late bloomer who rarely goes on dates. It can be a sweet little secret. Sometimes even a turn on.
I envy you this. As with boundaries (as I wrote in http://mydissolutelife.com/2012/03/boundaries-3/), there are some things that just don’t turn me on, and secrecy is one of them. My loss….