Most of you have never ventured over to Google+, and many don’t even know what it is. Relax – if you don’t know about it, you’re not missing anything. But I maintain a somewhat Spartan existence over there, and once in a while, I’m glad I do.
The other day, my good friend Lilly LaFosse posted a really funny link, with the caption, “I think N. Likes would be horrified by this.” The idea is better than the execution – if you don’t want to click through, it’s “Thoughts I’ve Had While Giving a Blowjob.” The post, and the ensuing conversation, got me thinking to what it is I think when performing oral sex (to be covered in a later post), what I think when receiving it, and most interesting, what I imagine my partner is thinking, to what she imagines I am thinking.
And because I’m just that kind of guy, here’s what I’m typically thinking, when my cock is being sucked:
“Whooooooaaaaah. That’s fucking awesome. Oh shit. Holy shit. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.” And often – not always – I enter a sort of timeless, non-specific zone in which I’m reliving every blowjob I’ve ever had. This isn’t exactly the same as fantasizing I’m with someone else, or that I’m with the same person having a different blowjob. It’s more akin to the sort of ethereal, ecstatic, non-dual experience that can happen during certain forms of meditation (particularly, concentration meditation). In this zone, which is a spectacular place to be, it’s almost as if I’m having the best moments of every blowjob I’ve ever experienced. At times I’ve wondered if this is a sort of escapism that takes me out of the moment, or if it’s simply a really intense experiencing of the moment. I think it’s a bit of both, but I need to study it a bit more.
Sometimes, I’ll be conclusively, exclusively in the moment, focused entirely on my bodily sensations at the moment. That’s never a bad place to be either, but it tends to be somewhat less… erotic. It’s as if, for me, a crucial component of the erotic experience is not just the sensations, but the landscape, the fantasy. So when I sink into an experience that’s only about the sensations in my cock, my balls, my ass, my hips, etc. – that’s just not that arousing. I need the other stuff – the thinking about power, about the pleasure you derive in pleasing me, in sucking my cock, in getting me off.
There’s another possibility: I can sink into a reverie that’s just a bit less physical, that’s purely about the moment, but that extends beyond the physical to the emotional, to the relationship between me and my you. While this is somehow the “purest” – the way of being that I imagine would be most pleasing/satisfying to you, it’s not the hottest.
There’s more: when I imagine what you’re thinking, I generally imagine that I know what you’re thinking. If I imagine that what you’re thinking is something akin to, “Holy mother of God I love his cock give it to me give it to me give it to me,” then all is right with the universe. If I imagine that you’re thinking, “I hope this feels good for him, I really want to please him?” that’s actually a poor step-sister – I want to imagine that giving me head is its own reward, that my pleasure is part of it, sure, but a distant, ancillary second. And if I think you’re thinking, “Please let him cum soon!” or anything along those lines, then I’m gonna try and cum as quickly as possible. Because, after all, what I want more than anything is what you want.
Ultimately (and I suppose this has to do with very deep-seated feelings of mine) I want inoculation from being responsible for having to deliver anything – pleasure, desire, semen, whatever – and if my pleasure is the point, then somehow I’m less happy.
All those are if it’s a good blowjob. If it’s not a good blowjob, I’m typically willing it to end, willing my cum to arrive as quickly as possible.