Charlotte‘s been committed to being punished lately. Not in a fun way. In a way that makes me want to adjust my punishments to make them less… fun for her. I like to give rewards; I prefer not to (have to) punish.
I like to imagine it’s easy to please me. I make it easy. As I’ve written a thousand times, in a thousand places, all I ask is that you under-promise, over-deliver, and communicate compulsively when that’s not possible. All while making me know, feel, that I’m in your mind, that I’m a priority.
Here is a list of things Charlotte has not said to me in recent days:
- I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to get to your (my) project, even a little bit. I’ve had a ton going on. My hope is to get to it this weekend, but I don’t want to promise, because I still have a ton going on. Would it help if I edged for you at least once a day until I get you my first installment?
- I’ve been looking at the project, trying to figure out when I can do which part of it, and I’m frustrated because all the parts look so fun – but I have no idea when I’m going to be able to carve out the time to do them. Here’s a photo. I would like it if you would tell me one more photo you’d like to see, as partial compensation. Is that ok?
- I’m sorry that I spent x hours last night watching “Sex and the City” when I could have spent that time working on your (my) project. Here’s me edging for a minute. I hope that’s a good start toward making it up to you. Meanwhile, while I’m not promising, I’m planning to (pick the next task on the page) this afternoon.
- I’m sorry that I’ve allowed you to imagine that I’m not thinking about the project. I am, constantly, and it’s making me feel bad. And, I know you’ve told me not to feel bad about not getting it to you, only to feel bad about not making you feel that it’s a priority for me. And I know that I’ve done that, and for that, I’m sorry. Is there any way I can (begin to) make it up for you in a way that consumes a tiny amount of time in a public space?
- I’m so sorry. It really sucks that I just can’t even imagine getting to the project any time soon. Would it be helpful if I sent you ten photos a day, unsolicited, until I can give you my first installment on the project?
- SHIT! I went to the page to see what I’m supposed to do next for you, and I realized that you’ve taken it down!?!? Where is it? What is it you even want me to do?
That’s just a few possibilities.
Charlotte has not offered a single one of those. Or anything else remotely related. She’s just in her head.
This makes me feel… bad. And, like the punishment I give her actually needs to feel like un-hot punishment. Coupled with un-hot instruction.
I wish it were otherwise. But this seems to be where we’re headed….
And not, alas, here: