May 042017

Somehow, I made it to adulthood starved for touch. In my twenties, I discovered first lap dances and then “happy ending” massages. In my thirties, my consumption of commercially procured female touch accelerated, and soon I was paying for more and more of it, more and more frequently.

In my forties, things shifted.

I turned my attention first to less sexual forms of touch – legitimate massage, bodywork, and assisted stretching in the gym. And, of course, sexual adventures of the non-commercial variety, of the sort you read about here.

Through it all, though, there’s a constant. Somehow, for some reason, I continue, always, to rely heavily on female touch – sexual or otherwise – for help with emotional regulation. I don’t know why. I’m emotionally attuned. I meditate daily. Work out frequently. I continue to develop a more intimate and familiar relationship with my own body, but have quite a long way to go.

On the massage table the other day, in a bodywork session by a Rolf-er with whom I’ve long worked, I noticed that when she asked if the temperature was ok, I replied, reflexively, “It’s fine.”

I don’t know if it was fine, or hot, or cold. As I answered, I realized that I never, ever have – nor would I – ask(ed) for the temperature to be changed. I just wouldn’t. It’s almost as if, in that setting, I don’t have warmth or coldness. (In French, that’s how you say it – j’ai froid, j’ai chaud. In Spanish, too, I think, though I’m less sure.)

I’m not sure how these things relate. On the one hand, my reliance on women’s touch to keep me balanced; on the other, my seeming obliviousness to my bodily experience in the moment. Or at least, in a moment when I’m being touched by a woman.

Got any thoughts?

  One Response to “My relationship to touch”

  1. Yes, in Spanish, tengo frío.

    As for the bigger question… I know that I now say if I’m cold, or if the water is too cold at the hairdresser. Maybe because I have now become aware enough to realise that I will be more relaxed, the experience more enjoyable and thus more profitable if everything about it is comfortable.
    Before, I didn’t dare ask for a temperature change, thinking I didn’t want to bother the practitioner. In a way, I wasn’t worth the bother.
    The fact that I now dare ask in a way goes to show that I have a better sense of self-worth.

    This is probably very far from your own reasons, but this is where your post led my thoughts

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