Sep 192014
 

Thank God I’ve finished watching “Orange is the New Black.” I can haz my life back, please?

Other web sites are good places to go to read about the acting, the writing, the directing. Here? You just get my raw sexual preferences. In order. My preferences have nothing to do with the characters, the acting, or anything else. Just objectification, plain and simple. Here’s my ranking of the top ten actors on the show, in the order in which I would like to do them.

10. Alysia Reiner (Natalie Figueroa) – to the character? Ew. And she’s not my type – tall, a little mannish in her sexiness. But she’s hot. And when she kneels for Caputo, I suddenly had a fantasy of her as a sub. (The kneeling isn’t submissive at all, but a boy can dream, no?)

9. Madeline Brewer (Tricia Miller) – the neck tattoo was kinda a turn-off for me, but there was something about her vulnerability (you know, before she offed herself) that was just smoking hot.

8. Kimiko Glenn (Brook Soso) – The character is horrible, loathsome, one-dimensional, and deeply unpleasant. But the scene in which Nicky fills Soso’s face with her cunt? So fucking hot. And, this woman can rock a wifebeater.

7. Lauren Lapkus (Susan Fischer) – She has these huge, long, thick lips. Know what I’m saying? I was so sorry when she left the show.

6. Dascha Polanco (Daya Diaz) – Her smile’s so fucking cute, it melts me – every time. Plus? Lips!

5. Natasha Lyon (Nicky Nichols) – Her smile’s insanely sexy, and if they’d ever do something with her hair other than frizz it out, she’d be fucking hot. Plus, she licks a mean pussy. And that’s hot.

4. Diane Guerrero (Maritza Ramos) – Her character does nothing for me, but she just oozes sexuality, and that? That does something for me.

3. Samira Wiley (Poussey Washington) – She has a fucking unbelievable elegance, gracefulness, and just raw beauty. She kinda steals every scene. And that little half-smile she does is so cute.

2. Yael Stone (Lorna Morello) – First off, she’s Australian, but the accent she does in this show is so fucking hot. Second? That red lipstick just wows me. Finally, her character may be crazy, but I really really like her and, while I said this isn’t about the characters, I’m kinda in love with hers.

1. Laura Prepon (Alex Vause) – I can’t help it. Her voice, her eyes, her smile. DAMN. I know the character’s a sociopath, but the actress is hot.

Say something! (I just did....)