Apr 102014
 

Today, I had something happen that took me back.

There are these two women I see weekly, one blonde, one brunette. They’re twenty years my junior, but they’ve each got a certain… je ne sais quoi. The high point of March was when, together, they beckoned me over: “What color are each of our eyes?” they asked me. I had to stare in each of their beautiful eyes for a moment, and diagnose them. (Both of their eyes are green. One’s have orange flecks.) I don’t know why they were discussing this question, nor do I know how or why they asked me to resolve it for them.

Each is tiny. Each wears leggings. Not for me, I suspect, but I like them, and am grateful for them. Their legs are slender. Their breasts are pert, round. Their faces are pretty. The blonde has the most insanely sexy gravelly voice. The brunette, the cutest smile.

I have crushes on each of them, on both of them. I find it hard not to imagine them on my cock (both of them, together) when I’m with them.

Today, there came a break in our time together. The brunette turned to a guy – call him “Eric.” “Coffee?” she said to him. Every week, at about this time, several of us go to the same place to get coffee. She had to know I was on my way there. As were several other people. But she was asking him.

I was so jealous.

He’s a good-looking guy, ten years my junior. He’s not as smart as I am, not as confident. I don’t, honestly, see what anyone would see in him over me (other than his ten years juniority). No question, she was flirting with him. And worse, worse than that she was flirting with him, was that I was invisible to her. She was oblivious to me as a potential flirting partner.

Here’s the funny thing: there’s nothing about her other than the visual that appeals. She’s not particularly interesting to me, not particularly intelligent. I suspect that, if we were to spend more than five minutes together, I’d want to shoot myself.

But her interest in Eric? FUCK.

  19 Responses to “Insecurity”

  1. I don’t think that is an unusual feeling. Even for a woman I have been in that situation and it sucks royally. Leaves us thinking what the heck is wrong with us..

  2. I’m sorry to say this, but after reading this post I found you came across very shallow in it. I doubt this was your intention, but sadly this is the feeling I got.

    • A couple of responses:

      First, thank you. I always am happy to hear constructive criticism, both of my writing and of me. I don’t think myself shallow – let alone VERY shallow – so if that’s how I came across, that’s very interesting to me, leaving me with the question of whether I AM very shallow; whether I was, in this instance, very shallow; whether what I wrote mistakenly made me look very shallow; whether we just disagree about what shallowness is; or whether you’re simply wrong.

      These are interesting things to ponder.

      The good news is, there’s enough on this blog for you to form a robust opinion about whether I AM very shallow or this was either an anomalous moment or badly written.

      My own sense is it’s probably a combination of all this. I definitely am capable of being shallow. I meant to indicate in this post how easily my insecurity is triggered. But maybe I indicated something else.

      What do you think?

      • Hmm.

        I think you could be right that it is somewhat all of the above. Chances are we do have differing views on what it is to be shallow and on some occasions the things I read on here have made me think you’re shallow, on other occasions, not so much.

        I’m a loyal reader but I don’t tend to comment much, as you may or may not have noticed. This is mostly for fear of offending you, especially after stating in this particular post that you can be insecure. As can everyone. I know I am definitely guilty of it.

        This post certainly isn’t badly written, though. That is one thing you aren’t guilty of. You write spectacularly well. But perhaps you meant that this post is badly worded, instead?

        And you’re welcome, I hovered over the submit button for a while before posting the above comment. It’s comforting to know you appreciated what it is I had to say.

        • A couple of thoughts:

          1) It’s interesting to me that you say “on some occasions” you’ve read things that make you think I’m shallow, and on other occasions, “not so much.” This is different than saying some of what I write is shallow, some isn’t. It’s as if I have some essential depth (or shallowness) that you’re trying to assess, and you’re contending with conflicting evidence. Rather than entertaining the possibility that I might be BOTH shallow and otherwise.

          2) I’m not sure I know the difference between badly written and badly worded. In either case, I did a poor job of communication.

          Thank you for the kind part of what you have to say, as well as for the critical part. I take it as kindness also.

          • To me, to say something is badly written suggests that grammatical errors and spelling mistakes, have been made. In this case, as far as I can tell, you haven’t made either.

            When I wrote badly worded, I suppose I simply meant you could have phrased certain statements that you made better. But then again that might have disguised your “alleged” shallowness that we are discussing here.

            As for “entertaining the possibility that I might be BOTH shallow and otherwise” it never occurred to me that a person could both be shallow and not at the same time. Don’t mistake that I am labelling you as anything. Perhaps the initial comment I made was misleading. I’m not saying you ARE shallow, just that what you wrote in this post suggested such. Does that make sense? Probably not. I’m beginning to ramble haha.

            x

          • This fascinates me.

            “It never occurred” to you that a person “could both be shallow and not at the same time.” You seem to think of shallow-ness as a sort of essential element of one’s personality – either one is or is not shallow.

            I tend to think of personalities and characters and people as not so simple, not so binary. It might be that in certain circumstances, with respect to certain things, and/or at certain times, I’m terribly shallow, but in other circumstances, with respect to certain things, and/or at certain times, I’m exactly the opposite.

            On a good day, I’m kind to everyone I meet. On a bad day, I can be rude and snippy even to the most polite, considerate people. Am I kind? Or nasty? Isn’t the truth that I’m both?

            I’m always skeptical of attempts to describe people as being essentially a certain way. It just doesn’t conform with my understanding of myself, and other people. (Smart people say stupid things; stupid people say smart things. Good writers occasionally write dreck. Random chimps might one day type out the complete works of Shakespeare.

  3. I don’t know what to make of this. You say you are talking about your insecurity. But then you write of yourself as being superior to two of those people, the man and one of the women. You seem pretty sure of yourself when you describe yourself as more intelligent.Yet you would want us to believe you are insecure?! I suppose this is the part that made E say you come across as shallow… I must say this is a part that bothered me while reading this.
    This said, we all experience this sort of jealousy, even when we don’t really see why, when we *know* the relationship is far from being exclusive. I suppose when we feel we have a special relationship, it’s easy to want to keep it for ourselves only. To feel like we’re the center of the other person’s thoughts. At the very least we don’t want to have to think about it. Let alone see it with our own eyes!

    • Interesting. Might I be insecure about my sexual desirability but not about my intelligence? Might I retreat to that about which I’m most confident (my intelligence) in the face of a blow to my ego?

      • Yes, that is an interesting way to look at it. Though after reading your blog extensively, I have trouble seeing how you can be insecure about your sexual desirability. Look at the number of women who send you their orgasms. What do you think leads them there? Your intelligence solely? It’s true that your words are enthralling, but I don’t think they would have that result if there was no desirability behind them.

        • You “have trouble seeing” how I could be insecure? Jesus, woman, don’t you understand that insecurity has nothing to do with rationality?

          I appreciate all your kind words, but the nature of abysses in our hearts is that they are not fill-able, not persuade-able by evidence to the contrary.

          • Yes, goes along the same lines as the comment I just left regarding what you said happened today with the brunette.
            And if someone understands all too well the fact that insecurity has nothing to do with hard facts, I think you know very well it’s me 😉
            I’m working on changing my outlook on it everyday (though through a different approach than the one you take).
            I have hope, faith, that one day I’l see the light 🙂

  4. Why do you think in this way? Since she isn’t your lover, she can flirt with other guys too! You can’t stop here!

  5. I’ve sent you an e-mail in regards to your most recent response. I couldn’t directly reply as the reply option wasn’t visible anywhere. I hope you don’t mind.

  6. Regardless of your insecurity vs. your security, what stood out to me is the Eric is less intelligent therefore less interesting… and she is also not mentally stimulating. People tend to be drawn to those who are on the same intellectual level as themselves. There is a subtext of that going on here. And yes… anytime one is put aside for another, it’s blow to the ego.
    Cheers darling.

  7. Quite the discussion on this post. It’s the post itself that beckons comments I think. There are so many facets and mini insights into the workings of your mind in this post. So I came to state more or less what Marian Green said above…. plus these thoughts:

    I find that women tend to like shy and underdog guys more than confident men. You can be the best looking guy in the world but if you’re too confident (for our liking) then some women just won’t go for you. At least for me, it’s a real turn off. That is not to say that you are over confident or superior. You describe yourself as more confident (than Eric) that’s all.
    To be honest I find that most men try to be confident to cover up insecurities. Real and well balanced confidence is rare. But even if I had the choice between a well balanced confident man and a shy guy, I’d go for the shy guy.

    • This is interesting – and the opposite of my general experience. When I’m shy, I don’t get the girl.

      And a postscript: today, the same brunette who one week ago didn’t see me ignored the OTHER guy in favor of ME. We had a lovely, banal, innocuous conversation while we got our coffee. And it barely registered on my self-esteem meter. So there’s that. 😉

      • Funny how our brains have no problem registering what we consider as blows yet disregards what could be ‘ups’ so easily!!

      • Sounds like she’s a social butterfly. Maybe trying to just get noticed by everyone?

        Maybe it’s just me with the shy guy crushes… Who knows!

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