I’ve written before that fucking isn’t my primary sexual activity, that I’ll take oral any day.
I’ve also written that one of the challenges with me for fucking is the intrinsically aggressive nature of it, that my domination is, by its nature, sensual, not aggressive, not punitive, not violent. Even when I’ve been most violent, as when raining down blows on V’s ass, I haven’t felt anger, rage. The violence I’ve done has been in service of others, not expressive of an internally felt aggression. (Though, in that one instance, I did write that I was trying to hurt her, that this was an unfamiliar feeling for me.)
This is too bad, I think, for me and for those I’ve fucked.
Almost every woman I’ve ever known has really enjoyed being fucked hard. Hard, in a way that really only can be summoned when one has access to a certain internal aggressiveness, even hostility. And this has never been something that has come easily to me. I can analyze this: it may well be that the anger/hostility/aggression is there, in me, but that it scares me, that I use the construct of consensual dominance to protect me – and my partner – from the possibility that I will destroy her if I give my rage full expression, or that she may destroy me. It may be, alternatively, that I genuinely don’t feel that aggression, that my more sensual formal of domination is, in fact, more honestly expressive of my desires, of my feelings.
It may be both. It may be something else.
But lately, there’s been an awakening sense of violence in me. A burgeoning sense that I want to… harm someone, destroy someone, when I fuck her.
I think this can only be a good thing.