My current funk surely is, in some ways, related to my somewhat diminished recent activity as “N.” Regular readers will have noticed that the blog has been more… ruminative… of late, featuring far fewer tales of exploits, and far more internal wanderings and wonderings. Lots of musings, very few stories of sexual exploits (my last such tale was two months ago).
There are lots of explanations for my funk – my normal routine has been pretty disrupted for some months now. My workout routine, my eating routine, my writing routine. Therapy, meditation, reading, transgressive sex…. It’s all been off for a while. Much of this is structural. The schedule in our household is radically different in the summer.
And there have been non-structural stresses too: a relationship I value coming to an end, a close friendship under duress.
I wrote once before about the paradox of this: the sorts of things that have been filling my days are, disproportionately, things that give me deep, abiding pleasure and happiness. And yet… and yet….
Over the next two weeks, much will return to normal. My daytimes will be more structured, my nighttimes more predictable, seemingly more in my control. Some things won’t: the relationship I value likely isn’t coming back (at least, not any time soon, and not in the same guise as before). The friendship under duress is likely to continue to be under duress for some time, I fear.
I’m committed to a few things: a return to the supports on which I rely (therapy, writing, meditation, fitness, healthy but transgressive sex).