Jun 132012
 

Definitions:

Slut: a person who sleeps with more people than I do.

Slut: a person who sleeps with my friends, but not with me.

Slut: a person who sleeps with more people than most.

What’s your definition?

Up above, on the banner of this site, I proclaim myself “Husband, father, slut….” But am I a slut? Jefferson (he used to blog, but now just collects ad revenues and promotes himself, it seems) proclaims himself “the easiest lay in New York.” I’m not that, for sure (though I often wish I were). In recent weeks, as I’ve been on a few dates that haven’t led that far – or that I’ve not wanted to lead that far – I’ve found myself pondering just what I mean when I call myself a slut. Part of it, surely, is aspirational: like just about everyone I know, I’d like to have more sex than I do, with more people than I do. Part of it is accurate, descriptive, at least relative to societal norms: I’m a married guy who’s had sex with more women than I honestly can count (without significant effort) in recent years.

But part of it is just not right, at least, not today: I’ve had sex (penis-in-vagina sex) with two women other than my wife in 2012, and both of those were in the early weeks of January. I’ve had oral sex with one or two other women this year. I’ve been on a bunch of dates (3? 5?), but they’ve not amounted to anything. In two cases, this has been somewhere between a mutual decision and the woman’s preference. I haven’t picked up a single woman (in 2012 or in any year, best I can remember). The previous calendar year featured a bit more sex – I had an active relationship with L for the last quarter of the year, and I went to a not-insignificant number of “play parties” and sex clubs in 2011.

Part of how my “sluttiness” works is that I seem to strive to collect desire – I want to be wanted, even if I don’t want to fuck. So if I go on a date with a woman, and I’m not particularly attracted or interested, I still hope to be desired. Not because I want to hurt her, or reject her. Just because I want to know that she has found me desirable. Of course, once that happens? If I’m interested, Yahtzee! But if I’m not interested, that’s a problem, because I’m a mensch, and don’t particularly want to reject or hurt anyone. But in that circumstance? That’s what I do. Say, politely, thanks but no thanks.

This year, in at least as many instances, I’ve simply not been interested. Not necessarily not interested in the person, but not interested in fucking the person. Where Jefferson is an easy lay, I’m a tough one. I really only fuck the full package: a smart, funny, hot, woman who excites me both intellectually and sexually. And, like all of us, I suppose, I’m a bit of a victim to my own desires, and have a bit in common with Groucho Marx. If I had a nickel for every woman I wished I were attracted to, I’d have a lot of nickels. More often than not, I find myself not attracted to the women most attracted to me (and attracted to those who find me less exciting).

There are these guys who pride themselves on “being able to” fuck just about anyone, whose dicks are so hard that, essentially, if a woman has a vagina (or, in the case of a true bisexual like Jefferson, if a person has a heartbeat), they can, and will, fuck that person, given the opportunity. They populate swingers’ events in spades.

This just isn’t me.

I can kiss just about anyone (and really like kissing most people, male or female), but the idea of putting my cock in just anyone’s mouth, in anyone’s cunt? It doesn’t so much work that way for me.

As I was pondering this question, and talking it over with a friend, the other day, she suggested that I should take “slut” down from the banner up above. She suggested that it’s really not fair of me, that women reading this blog and going out with me might expect me to be game to fuck them no matter what. But this seems wrong/unfair to me. I am a slut (he insists, plaintively).

This is more apparent in my “distant buddy” relationships, virtual relationships with women primarily far away. Here, too, I have standards: there are women with whom I “click” easily and early (there have been three of these, two of whom remain active), and women with whom I don’t. Because I’m who I am, I tend to give those in this latter group a genuine college try before admitting defeat (I like being desired, remember). But I am more of a slut here: I do from time to time have multiple “affairs” going on, and I am a bit more… profligate.

So I won’t be striking the word from the banner. But I’ll be a bit less vociferous in my self-proclamations of slut-hood.

  16 Responses to “On being a slut”

  1. You’re right to keep “slut” in your heading. A slut can characterize himself as he chooses, and to collect as many nickels as he pleases. As for your characterization me here, I would argue that I’ve never claimed to offer sex to anyone with a heartbeat. I would argue that, I say, but I’d hate to dissuade your readers from giving it the ol’ college try.

    • 😉

      I sure do wish you’d return to blogging. Your blog was pretty much my inspiration. You popped my cherry. I’ll be writing a bit more about my relationship to your blog in the coming days. But your audience (at least this member of it) misses your writing in that forum.

  2. Slut or slutty, for me, can also just be a state of mind. Just because I feel slutty doesn’t mean I’m out there fucking every man(or woman) who may show interest in me. But it can very much be a vibe that I put out there, which can often be misinterpreted.
    I may be considered an easy lay(by whom I’ve no clue) but only with people I’m deeply attracted to mentally and physically. And generally that takes time.
    Don’t change the header…1. It’s awesome and 2. Slutty is a state of mind.

  3. I’m really interested to hear about the ones that *don’t* work out because you seem to never talk about that (or if you have, I’ve not seen it), so the implication is that the attraction *always* works out and there is *always* follow through, and that kind of baffled me because that’s not how it works for most people (and also not for you, it seems, which is kind of more a reality I can relate to).

    I’m not a slut (and don’t claim to be), but the narcissist in me can totally relate to the desire to be desired (ref: my recent post on ‘Crushes‘ which is really all about that), and I think (to your point about distance) it is *all* easier from afar (less complicated, no pesky logistics, no *real life* attraction/chemistry needed). The ‘imagined/projected’ attraction just has to be supported enough to believe it *could* be real.

    When a 21yo boy thinks I am teh awesome-sexy and swoons all over my inbox, yes please. Going to *meet* said 21yo for a tryst? Oh hell no, never going to happen.

    Rambling. My point (yes, there was one!), I’d love to read about the ones that didn’t work out so well, the lead up, the expectations and then how it translated into reality because those are the human stories and you tell them well.

    Ferns

    • A great idea. I’ve got to think through whether/how to do it. I’ve done it a couple of times on 2×2 dates (“glasses”). But the recent spate have involved people who know of the blog, and honestly, I would want their ok before I wrote anything about them. Maybe I’ll do a Rashomon thing….

  4. I like being desired and I think that qualifies as being a “slut”.Even though I know there is no way in hell I’d fuck them.It turns me on that I turn them on.It’s a state of mind for sure. You have standards for distant buddy relationships? Cute! I don’t know why I find that endearing.

  5. I think a slut is someone who can more easily decide to have sex with someone at an earlier point in the getting-to-know-you phase, irrespective of the actual number of people one sleeps with. But that doesn’t necessarily mean you are easier to get. Just because I’m a slut doesn’t mean I’ll sleep with you automatically. I still have standards, and if you don’t meet them (for whatever reason), then you don’t have a snowball’s chance.

    The times when it’s clear that I’m not at all interested but the other person probably is make me feel uncomfortable because I too don’t like rejecting people. Sometimes I try to circumvent the need to reject him/her by making myself less desirable (by not contributing much of interest to the conversation, for example) so that the person ultimately rejects me as well. I definitely prefer mutual rejection to having to kick the puppy.

  6. Personally my issue with the slut definitions given as examples is that
    they all involve the phrase “who sleeps with”. I’m not convinced that’s
    a requirement. I really don’t know the right way to define it at all,
    but for me, in my head, it’s something more like “Slut: a person who
    enjoys sex, in whatever form (having it, thinking about it, etc.) and
    for whatever reason.”

  7. Personally, everyone defines their own labels. I don’t think you actually have to be sleeping with many people physically to be a slut. I spent a weekend giving 7 different men orgasms, some more than once and I never shared the same space with them physically. Some would call me a slut for doing that. I am happy to wear that label and call myself a slut.

    I may have fun playing with men in the digital realm and I know that distance is simply the reason why I have not slept with many of the men I play with, but I too do not open my legs just for anyone, but my mind… oh she’s definitely a slut. 😉

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