Mar 052012

I get jealous easily.

I could waste a lot of breath judging myself, saying that “jealousy’s a useless emotion,” or that it’s “counter-productive,” or whatever.  But that’s not how I work with my emotions.

For me, the fact is, jealousy is there:  I’m narcissistic, I’m grandiose.  I want to be everything to everyone.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again:  I can find myself jealous when a woman behind a counter is flirting with another customer more than she’s flirting with me.

I’m not sure exactly what this is about, but here’s a theory:  deep down, in my heart of hearts, I worry that I’m not desirable, and in particular, that I’m not sexually desirable.  If a woman desires another man, well, isn’t that evidence that she doesn’t desire me (at least, for the moment that she’s desiring him)?  And if that’s so, then doesn’t that mean I’m not desirable?

Of course, I know rationally how to counter all this – but this isn’t a rational phenomenon.

Say something! (I just did....)